-Welcome to the SECOND joint review of an endless supershow by SamoaRowe and Scrooge McSuck. Neither one of us had the patience for a traditional PBP recap review, but we had lots to say.
- Presented on the WWE Network on April 3rd, 2016 from the AT&T Stadium in Dallas, TX. Michael Cole, John "Bradshaw" Layfield, and Byron Saxton are calling the action for the main show, while Mauro Ronaldo, Jerry "The King" Lawler, and "Double Duty" Byron Saxton called the Kickoff Show. Renee Young, Booker T, Lita, and Corey Graves are the Kickoff Panel, and Tom Phillips and some other girl who I don't care enough to research about are in the Social Media Lounge. We're already bloated and I'm still in the introduction!
And now, for the official start of WrestleMania (32)! Note we've just sat through a 2 hour kickoff show. From here on, SamoaRowe (SR) joins the fun, though Scrooge McSuck (SM) isn't going anywhere.
SM: IC Title Ladder Match: Going into this, it was clearly the Owens/Zayn Show, and most of the match delivered on that promise, with Owens taking sick bump after sick bump. Stardust wore a Dusty Rhodes inspired outfit with "Hard Times" on the back, and even brought out a polka-dot covered ladder. High spot of the match was Zayn somehow doing a senton through the ladder and over the top rope, and immediately recovering to hit Owens with his dive between the ropes Tornado DDT. Miz teased he would win after taking out Zayn, but Zack Ryder of all people knocked him out and claimed the Title for himself in the "holy crap" finish of the night. Good for him to have his Wrestlemania moment. He's jobbing it to Baron Corbin tomorrow night on Raw, I bet. ****
SM: AJ Styles vs. Chris Jericho: Jericho continues to frustrate me, as for once, he actually is in a storyline that makes sense, but can't deliver in the ring. Yes, Styles is just as guilty. Most of the match was them doing counters and avoiding a big spot, and while I understand the reasoning, it meant an underwhelming overall product. Good near falls from a Code Breaker from Jericho and Styles Clash from A.J. Finish came with Styles going for the Phenominal Forearm, but Jericho caught him with a super-sized Codebreaker. So... Jericho going over makes sense, right? ***
-The New Day make their entrance out of an oversized box of Booty-O's. I'm a bit fearful that some writers think the Booty-O concept is comedic gold, but I find it cringeworthy and I'm worried that it's going to undo New Day's face turn if they're not careful. Imagine John Cena making the same joke.
SM: New Day vs. The League of Nations: Here's some WCW logic. This was supposed to be a Tag Title Match. Then not. Then it was supposed to be a 4-on-3 Handicap Match. Then it was announced literally minutes before the match begins that it was a Six-Man Tag, and King Barrett gets to hang out on the floor. New Day's entrance included a big box of Booty O's and Woods dressed up like he was from Dragonball Z. Dreadfully dull match until the closing moments when they were allowed to let loose. Finish came when Barrett hit Woods behind the referee's back with the Bull Hammer and Sheamus finished with the Brogue Kick. Post-match, trash talk lead to the arrival of Shawn Michaels, Steve Austin, and Mick Foley to bury all the full-time guys on the active roster. *3/4
-The League lingers to celebrate their alleged dominance, and it lures out Shawn Michaels, Mick Foley, and Stone Cold Steve Austin for another round of retired guys beating up today's stars. For a brief moment, Rusev was stomping away at Austin, but the legends hit their finishers and cleaned house. The New Day, seemingly unaware of Austin's reputation, try to dance with the old timers, and Xavier eats a Stunner for his troubles. Cute and pointless, and likely the pinnacle of Xavier's career.
SM: Brock Lesnar vs. Dean Ambrose: Ambrose is just done as being worth anything above the midcard goof role. I must've been a fool to think this would've been more competitive, but it was just a 13-minute squash. Lesnar hit Ambrose with 13 suplexes of various style and finished with a single F5... onto a pile of chairs. Ambrose got some token shots in with various plunder and a Dirty Deeds onto a chair, but mostly was made to look like he was completely out of Lesnar's league. This was a sleeper to steal the show, and it failed miserably. **1/2
-On the pre-show, Lita returned to formally introduce the new WWE Women's Championship belt and it exceeded my highest expectations. You've probably all seen it by now, but it's basically the WWE Championship but with a red background and white straps, and it looks like it's supposed to be a main event level championship. This bodes really well for Bayley's pending debut, as now there's a credible looking title belt for her to work towards.
SM: Charlotte vs. Sasha Banks vs. Becky Lynch: FINALLY, the Divas Tramp Stamp Belt is retired and they have a new, less demeaning Women's Championship to award to the winner of this match. Charlotte is wearing a robe made from Flair's outfit at WrestleMania 24, Sasha Banks is wearing tights inspired by Eddie Guerrero, and Becky has a couple of feathers in her hair. Snoop Dogg raps Sasha to the ring because they're cousins and he's a WWE Hall of Famer. My Wifi began acting up here, and would continue until the Main Event. They worked hard, but Triple Threat matches always feel awkward. Sasha with a spectacular mid-air somersault onto Charlotte, and even Ric took a bump via Becky Lynch plancha. Lots of teased finishes until Charlotte trapped Becky in the Figure-Eight and Ric Flair kept Sasha from breaking it up. ***1/2
SM: Shane McMahon vs. Undertaker: I wanted to like this one enough to make it a show stealer. I'm just striking out like crazy. Shane comes out with his three sons, which should be a symbolic hint that he's not winning. Undertaker's entrance only took about 4-minutes. Attitude Era brawling, with Shane getting his hope spot here and there. He took a bolt cutter to the cage to create an exit, laid out Taker on the Announcers Table, and came off THE TOP OF THE CELL, missing the elbow. At this point I expected Taker to give him the mercy win and retire, but nope, they did a bit of taunting and the Tombstone ended it. Not nearly as good as the HIAC Match from Mania 28, but not terrible, either. Hard to rate, so call it **1/2.
SM: 3rd Annual Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal: 20 participants this year, and poor Titus O'Neil still isn't allowed in it. Participants were the Social Outcasts, Kane, Big Show, Mark Henry, Jack Swagger, Goldust, R-Truth, The Ascension, Fandango, Damien Sandow, Darren Young, Baron Corbin, Tyler Breeze, old-timers Tatanka and Diamond Dallas Page, and last but not least, SHAQUILLE O'NEAL, for an epic showdown with Big Show that was intended for 7 years ago. Sandow got tossed like a super-geek by Shaq. The Social Outcasts ruled the ring before all getting dumped late like geeks. Kane and Young teamed up to toss Henry, Kane tossed Young, and then Corbin tossed Kane to win it without much hoopla. I wonder what he'll do on Raw to follow this victory. N/R, but mostly uneventful.
-So, it's about 10:30 at this point, and I'm expecting Reigns/HHH to get only 15 minutes after all the pomp and circumstance, but The Rock makes his entrance. And proceeds to take his sweet time getting to the ring, using a flame thrower to set his logo on fire. Seriously, this was the opening segment of Wrestlemania 27 all over again, as Rock just mugs for the camera and doesn't really have anything to say (other than the fake attendance record of over 100,000 fans). Rock is interrupted by The Wyatt Family, and it became clear that the show was intentionally going long. Bray spewed his normal gibberish and Rock challenged them to an impromptu match, pulling off his clothes to reveal his wrestling gear underneath. Damn, there goes my bragging rights to having been at Rock's last match ever.
-The Wyatts aren't finished with Rock by any stretch of the imagination, but John Cena makes a surprise appearance to even the odds and clear the Wyatts out. Rock and Cena embrace and recreate the scene that ended Wrestlemania 29. Rock's entire segment took about 30 minutes and could have accomplished the same thing in 10.
SM: - The Rock came out for a 20-minute promo, announced the fake attendance of 101,673 (or whatever it was, does it matter?), then had a rather awkward confrontation with the Wyatt Family. This lead to Rock revealing he's in his wrestling gear! Then we find out he's having an impromptu match with Erick Rowan. Bell rings, Rock Bottom, and we have a new record for shortest match. They try to ambush Rock, but John Cena arrives to make the save. Ugh...
-So now it's after 11 and any poor sap who ordered the traditional pay-per-view is shut out, the last thing they'd see would be Rock and Cena's lovefest. They replay the HHH/Reigns up video that ended the pre-show. Triple H outdoes his stupid entrances of the past with Stephanie McMahon sitting in his throne in warrior princess gear, cutting arguably the most embarrassing promo of her career. Triple H comes out accompanied by an army of minions, each sporting a WWE title belt. All of these theatrics might have passed three hours ago, but by now I just wanted to go to bed.
SM: Triple H vs. Roman Reigns: Stephanie McMahon with a weird promo to build interest for Hunter's yearly ego-stroking entrance, and... she's not that bad looking. Maybe I'm delirious from boredom and fatigue. Reigns gets booed, no surprise. Standard formula "Main Event Hunter Post-2000" match where there's so little interest, that the crowd doesn't even care to react to most of it. Stephanie taking the Spear from Reigns (HHH moved, leaving her accidentally vulnerable) was the spot of the match. This seriously went almost 30-minutes. Hunter had the Sledgehammer, but Reigns hit him with a pair of Superman Punches™ and the Spear to kick off his 3rd reign as Champion. **1/4
Final Thoughts: Again, this is the Superman V Batman: Dawn of Justice of wrestling shows. Too long, really stupid, nonsensical, and a bit insulting, yet somehow I still enjoyed watching it. Mild Thumb in the Middle.
SM: Final Thoughts: WrestleMania 31 didn't have promise going into it, but delivered when it mattered. WrestleMania 32 started off the same, with lackluster hype and an uninteresting lineup. The opening of the PPV put them on the right foot, but then it just became match after match of mediocrity and poor booking decisions. Did Charlotte need to retain when the crowd was chomping for Sasha to begin a new era of the Women's Division? Did Jericho have to go over Styles clean, again? Did we need over 6 HOURS of WWE wrestling? The Rock burying Bray Wyatt by trolling him before a "just kidding, you're alright, but your followers suck" retraction? Michaels, Foley and Austin making 5 other men on the current roster look like total jokes? The force-fed push of Roman Reigns? Dean Ambrose looking like a joke? Suddenly Zack Ryder being the IC Champion makes sense. Strong Thumbs Down on the Biggest Show of the Year. If you need Mania weekend action, watch Takeover Dallas. 2 ½ hours and so much more entertaining.
The Rock vs. Erick Rowan (with Bray Wyatt and Braun Strauman)
Nobody on Earth would ever guess this would be in the record books, eh? Anyways, Rock immediately hits the Rock Bottom for the win in about five seconds.
Winner: The Rock
WWE Championship:
Poor Roman said in interviews leading up to this event that he was ready for a "mixed" reaction from the fans. He got one all right, half boos and half apathy. So, about five hours into this bloated Michael Bay movie of a Wrestlemania, they kick off the main event with slow-paced mat grappling. It's a complete and utter Triple H specialty, and felt like a retreat of his WM21 Batista match. After a lumbering start, things got a little more interesting when HHH hit a neckbreaker off an announce table to the floor. That was a rough bump for Roman that failed to endear him to the cynical crowd. Actually, they turned down the mics so it was getting hard to hear the crowd, but it sounded like they were singing for Bayley. Roman absorbs a bunch of arm work before countering a Pedigree with a backdrop to the floor. HHH walks into the spear, but Steph interrupts the referee. Reigns inadvertently hits the spear on Stephanie and it marks the first time the fans seem interested in anything going on here. Triple H gets the Pedigree for 2, and resorts to getting the sledgehammer. HHH misses some hammer shots and Reigns puts him away with the Superman Punch and Spear at 27:11. I can't think of any good reason why this needed to be almost 30 minutes other than Triple H's pride needing to be satiated. As a social experiment, this was more entertaining than HHH vs. Orton from WM25, but fell far short of even the middling HHH vs. Batista bout from WM25. Reigns gets a babyface celebration in front of "100,000" fans who don't like him and it's pretty much the worse case scenario unfolding. No heel turn in sight. **.
Triple H © (with Stephanie McMahon) vs. Roman Reigns
Winner and new WWE Champion: Roman Reigns
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