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WWF RAW- March 11, 2002

by Scrooge McSuck

Lucy the Dog

Presented LIVE on the USA Network from the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit, MI, with Jim Ross and Jerry "The King": Lawler calling the action, unless otherwise noted. Matches taped for Jakked/Metal include Tajiri successfully defending the Cruiserweight Championship against Crash, Val Venis tapping out Perry Saturn, Lance Storm pinning The Godfather, and The Hurricane pinning Funaki. As for matches only intended for the live audience, we got Brock Lesnar needing 5-minutes to take out Little Spike Dudley. WE'RE ONLY SIX DAYS AWAY FROM WRESTLEMANIA! CAN YOU FEEL THE EXCITEMENT?!

Rob Van Dam & The Hardy Boyz vs. William Regal & The Dudley Boyz:

RVD and Regal have a date for WrestleMania, and we're FINALLY told that Billy & Chuck will defend the Tag Team Titles in an Elimination 4-Way against The Hardy Boyz, The Dudley Boyz, and The APA. Ross notes we don't have Lita or Stacy at ringside because they'll be in action later tonight. As if that's stopped them from multiple appearances before? RVD hits Regal with a plancha and all six men brawl at ringside. RVD with a monkey-flip and Rolling Thunder for two. Regal cuts him off with a knee to the body, followed by a knee to the face. Jeff hits Bubba with a dropkick and unloads with mounted right hands. D'Von fetches a table and has it knocked back in his face. Bubba launches Jeff over the ropes and takes a shot at the rest of the team for the hell of it. Bubba with a slam and D'Von with the flying headbutt. Jeff surprises D'Von with the whisper in the wind and tags in Matt. He runs wild a bit. Jeff with Poetry in Motion and Matt with a Side Effect for a near-fall. We've got bodies everywhere until we hit the big "get your sh*t in": sequence, capped off by RVD laying out Regal and hitting the Frog Splash for three at 3:51. I feel like we've seen this kind of six-man a handful of times lately, featuring most of the same players.

Earlier tonight, Vince McMahon called for a special meeting between the Board of Directors at WWF Headquarters. Vince cuts a basic wrestling promo about Ric Flair being unfit to lead the company and wants a unanimous vote that one man and one man only has absolute authority. Oh God, is this going to be a show-long story?

Kurt Angle makes his way to the ring, definitely not dressed to compete. He wants to talk about something people in this city are familiar with: CRIME. Not just carjacking or muggings like the idiots in Detroit are involved in, but something more important; robbery. Isn't robbery just a form of carjacking and muggings? He's been robbed of his shot at the WWF Title! Then that big, burnt moron ruined his chance! Kane experienced first-hand how he treats people that cost him WrestleMania title shots. Kane might be the Big Red Machine, but he's the Big Red White and Blue Machine, PAL. With Mr. McMahon's approval, we have BREAKING NEWS: Kurt Angle faces Kane at WrestleMania. He'll make that childhood burning thing look like a paper cut. That's back-to-back years where Angle's match was thrown on the PPV on the go-home episode of Raw. He calls the WWF fans "idiots": for chanting "You Suck": at him. Booker T comes out ("speaking of stupid...":) and I guess we're getting a promo parade. He's sick of Kurt Angle coming out here, telling people they're stupid, and it's pissing him off, because they aren't stupid... THEY'RE BEYOND STUPID. THEY'RE BRAIN DEAD! They're the reason he lost his Japanese endorsement deal! Edge interrupts, saying Booker has the title of dumbest man in the company. BREAKING NEWS PART TWO: Edge issues the challenge to Booker T for WrestleMania! Edge starts snarking on Angle, telling him to stop trying to be cool. Angle tries to deny that and gives the world's worst spin-a-rooni. Even Booker T is just laughing about it. Edge calls it a "Dork-a-rooni":. WHY IS THIS SEGMENT NOT OVER? Angle offers to team with Booker against Edge and whoever he can find. Let me guess... Spike Dudley?

Stephanie McMahon has Lucy, the family dog with her, and she verbally abuses her while being a little too physical while explaining how she psychologically abused her on the way to the building. Steph whips out a court order where she has custody because she claimed Hunter abused the dog. THE GO-HOME TO WRESTLEMANIA HAS A SUBPLOT INVOLVING THE DOG OF 2 OF THE 3 PARTIES INVOLVED IN THE MATCH.

Rikishi vs. Test:

We see highlights from last night's Sunday Night Heat where Test assisted Mr. Perfect in defeating Rikishi (that's Perfect's second televised victory in less than a week, and second since returning to the WWF, for those keeping score at home). Quick start with Rikishi unloading with right hands. Test turns things around, sending Rikishi into the corner and following in with a clothesline. Test avoids a belly-to-belly suplex but takes the Super-Kick on the chin. Rikishi with a Samoan drop, followed by the running Earthquake Splash. Rikishi crushes Test in the corner, setting him up for the you-know-what. Mr. Perfect hops on the apron to prevent disaster and gets thrown around a bit before Test hits the running boot for three at 1:58. Rikishi keeps doing jobs where his opponents need a bunch of help.

Lucy the Dog POOPED and Stephanie demands Chris Jericho take her for a walk. BUY WRESTLEMANIA! Jericho leaves Poor Lucy tied up to a limousine outside the arena.

DDP is still trying to teach Christian on being a better person, and it starts with having a more natural smile. Billy and Chuck interrupt, calling them losers. Billy says Christian is a loser who hasn't won a match in forever, and he doesn't need a bigger loser like DDP hanging around him. Christian says he's snapping that streak tonight against Precious (Billy), a.k.a "The A$$ Man.":

More from WWF Headquarters as Vince McMahon continues to be the most extreme of hypocrites in presenting video footage of Flair's behavior last Thursday on Smackdown.

WWF Hardcore Championship Match:
Goldust (c ) vs. Al Snow:

Goldust still has weapons painted gold, for those keeping track of that along with Mr. Perfect's win-loss record. Goldust launches a trash can at Snow's head but misses the target. The trash can lid connects, however. Whip to the corner and it looks like TWO turnbuckle pads just fell off. Snow avoids Shattered Dreams, with Goldust kicking the exposed turnbuckle to ZERO reaction. Snow with a blast from the fire extinguisher and a Snow Plow onto the trash can ends it at 1:01, making Al Snow your NEW Hardcore Champion. Ross acts like Snow just beat Godzilla and King Kong at the same time.

Poor Lucy gets run over. Don't worry, the dog wasn't on camera and clearly nothing happened, but seriously, what the f*ck is this crap?

Edge & ??? vs. Kurt Angle & Booker T:

With Kane unavailable, Edge's surprise partner ends up being... THE BIG SHOW. Ha-ha, what a wonderful bit of trolling. I honestly already typed "KANE~~!!!!": like I traditionally would under these circumstances, because I've never accepted anything said as truth when "X isn't supposed to be here tonight." Booker starts with a flurry of strikes on the Big Show, only to get laid out with a clubbing clothesline. Whip to the corner and Show meets the boots on the way in. He's back in control, hitting Angle and Booker with a diving double clothesline. Show tosses Angle with a press slam, followed by a Biel across the ring. Angle avoids Snake Eyes, clips the knee, and applies the Ankle Lock, but Show rolls to his stomach and boots Angle over the top rope. Booker is sent to the floor as well, and Edge launches himself off the shoulders of Big Show to hit a super-sized plancha. Back inside, Edge plants Angle face-first for a two-count. Booker with a cheap shot, allowing Kurt to take over. Booker unloads with boots but is caught by surprise with a spinning heel kick. Show back in, running wild with clotheslines and big boots. Show busts out the double suplex. Edge takes out Booker, then Angle takes out Edge. Booker saves Angle from a Chokeslam with a Scissors Kick and Angle finishes Show with the Angle Slam and Ankle Lock at 4:39. With three of these men booked for WrestleMania and one not, there was no doubt who was losing here.

Stephanie McMahon is FREAKING OUT about how Hunter is going to react over what happened to Poor Lucy.

Torrie Wilson, Miss Jackie/Jacqueline, and Terri Runnels are at WWF New York, wearing their Summer attire. There's a Divas special on UPN Wednesday Night, by the way.

Christian (w/ Diamond Dallas Page) vs. Billy (w/ Chuck):

Christian comes out to DDP's music, as he continues his journey on being a better person. DDP joins commentary. Chuck with a distraction, allowing Billy to get the early jump. Christian fights back with rights but is caught off the ropes with a tilt-o-whirl slam for a two-count. Whip to the corner and Billy with a Stinger Splash. Billy busts out a Jackhammer for zero reaction. Christian rolls out of the ring to avoid the Famouser, then starts having a tantrum until DDP intervenes. Nick Patrick breaks that up, allowing Chuck to get a cheap shot. Back inside, Billy with a Famouser. DDP comes in to hit the Diamond Cutter and Christian covers for three at 2:13. THE STREAK IS OVER! Christian throws a HAPPY tantrum to celebrate a victory he didn't earn, then lays out DDP with the inverted DDT. I SWEAR TO GOD, VINCE RUSSO IS FEEDING IDEAS TO THE BOOKING TEAM.

Vince McMahon with more storyline ranting about Ric Flair's conduct, like "forcing him into a match" at the Royal Rumble and humiliating him. Somehow, with Linda McMahon present, I don't like Vince's chances in getting his way.

Trish Stratus & Lita vs. Jazz & Stacy Keibler:

BREAKING NEWS: Jazz defends the Women's Championship against Trish Stratus AND Lita at WrestleMania (X-8)! Jazz and Stacy get the early jump on Trish. BREAKING NEWS: Poor Lucy has a broken leg. Whip to the ropes and Jazz with a back body-drop. Jazz grabs a side headlock on Lita but is caught coming off the ropes with a tilt-o-whirl slam. They shuffle awkwardly into a sloppy Hot Shot and Jazz slaps on an elevated double chicken-wing. Stacy buts out the corner foot choke. Lita ducks a heel kick and hits the (kinda) Blue Thunder Bomb, but Jazz saves. Heck breaks loose with all four women in the ring. Stacy takes a big fall over the top rope, leaving Jazz alone with her two challengers. Trish and Lita take turns working Jazz over until Lita eats a Chick Kick from Trish and Jazz rolls her up at 2:25.

Triple H is back from the Vet ER and is PI$$ED. Stephanie McMahon rushes to the ring to say what happened to Lucy was a complete accident. She may have said bad things, but never wished Lucy any harm. Thank God it doesn't take long for Triple H to interrupt, and he's walking with a purpose. He chases Stephanie around the ring and grabs her by the hair to send her back in the ring. Steph tries to escape again, but Triple H gives the crowd a treat that I'm surprised wasn't edited out of the Network/Peacock broadcast. He sets up for a Pedigree, but Jericho rushes from behind and smashes Hunter in the knee with a sledgehammer. WILL HUNTER BE ABLE TO COMPETE? ORDER WRESTLEMANIA TO FIND OUT!

The Board of Directors at WWF Headquarters have made their final decision; With Flair's decision to face the Undertaker at WrestleMania, he gives them no choice but to give Mr. McMahon the full authority of the WWF, but they reserve the right to re-visit their decision after WrestleMania. Flair cuts his own promo, to hype his match with the Undertaker. Who knew a conference room at Titan Towers was the logical place for multiple wrestling promos.

The Rock & "Stone Cold": Steve Austin vs. The nWo

What a dream match on paper. For those keeping score along with Mr. Perfect's record and Goldust's weapon colors, this is Kevin Nash's first match on WWF TV or PPV since IYH: Good Friends, Better Enemies, and Hulk Hogan's first match (for TV or PPV) since the 1993 King of the Ring (and first ever on Monday Night Raw). Rock and Hall start. Rock makes an unsuccessful move for Hogan, allowing Hall to get the first strikes. Rock battles back and taunts Hogan to bring it. Nash with a shot from the apron and Hall follows with a clothesline for a two-count. Nash with a knee to the midsection, followed by a side slam for two. Nash rolls Snake Eyes and Hall greets Rock with a clothesline from the apron. Hogan tags in for the first time to an overwhelming reaction. Whip to the ropes and Hogan with a clothesline. Hogan with a back suplex and there goes the bandana. Rock fights out of the corner but Hall cuts him off with a drop toe hold. Rock avoids an elbow drop from Nash and tags in Austin. He runs wild with right hands on all three men. Whip and Austin hits Nash with the Thesz Press. Whip and a spine-buster on Hall.

Nash cuts Austin off and Hall hits the fallaway slam for two. Nash with a series of knees to the midsection, followed by forearm blows. Austin fights out of the corner but Nash buries another knee to the midsection. Hogan in with a scoop slam and some blatant choking. That is the only (legal) one-on-one action to take place between Austin and Hogan for those keeping score with… OK, I've killed that joke. Hall with a Chokeslam, but the Razor's Edge is countered. Austin teases another comeback, but Hall cuts it off with a clothesline. Rock ends up getting the hot tag and runs wild with right hands on Nash. He comes off the ropes with a diving clothesline and takes Hall down with a DDT. Nash pops up to hit a clothesline of his own and tags in Hogan. Rock kips up, but Nash nails him from behind. Austin jumps in and starts brawling with Hall and Nash by himself. Meanwhile, Hogan hits the Rock with the big boot and finishes with the leg drop at 9:14 to a mostly babyface pop. Austin comes in to get his shots at Hogan, but Nash drops an elbow across the back and Hall lays him out with the Stunner. Not the greatest match, meant more as an appetizer. There were a few spots where guys clearly weren't on the same page, and I don't blame anyone thinking Austin/Hall and Rock/Hogan won't be able to deliver the goods from bell-to-bell. **

Final Thoughts: What a weird show to drum up last minute interest for your biggest show of the year, with the show-long saga over Lucy the Dog taking center stage for the feud involving the Undisputed Championship! Four matches were added to the PPV card, two of which were obvious, one somewhat, and then the Tag Title Match where they got lazy and throw a bunch of teams out there for one messy cluster-f*ck. Hogan pinning Rock clean as a sheet is definitely an interesting booking choice to head into the big show (not to be confused with The Big Show), but at least it was more sane than some of the crap on this show, like Christian turning on DDP as soon as he possibly could, whether he won a match on his own or not.

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