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WWE Hell in a Cell 2013

October 27, 2013

by Scrooge McSuck

- Originally broadcasted live, on Pay-Per-View, on October 27th, 2013. We're coming from the American Airlines Arena in Miami, FL. Michael Cole, Jerry "The King" Lawler, and JBL are at ringside calling all the action, unless otherwise noted. In a completely "what the fuck is the point" moment, we're introduced to the Spanish announce team... along with Rey Mysterio. Screw a big shocking return! Let's just have him sitting at ringside for a weak introduction. Josh Mathews, R-Truth, Dolph Ziggler, and Kaitlyn make up the Expert Panel, because the guy on the poster for the PPV shouldn't be in an actual storyline [/common sense].

WWE Tag Team Championship Match:
Cody Rhodes & Goldust © vs. Seth Rollins & Roman Reigns vs. Jimmy & Jey Uso:

First match on the PPV, and we can expect a mild clusterfuck. I've never been a fan of three-ways, especially with tag teams involved. Instead of going with a straight rematch between the Rhodes brothers and the Shield, we suddenly have the Uso's emerge as a top contender (again), having to fight for the spot despite already being recognized as #1 contender's. Got to love lazy WWE booking in the weeks leading up to a 3rd meaningless PPV in less than two months. Did they honestly remix Goldust's theme music? I guess it's OK, because it allows them to come to the ring as an actual team, instead of with separate entrances.

Goldust and Rollins start, despite Cole insisting one member of each team is in the ring at all times. I never understood tagging out to someone who isn't your partner in a one-fall to a finish match. The Rhodes' and Uso's work a solid face-vs.-face match for the opening few minutes. Reigns interrupts things by pulling Goldust to the floor and ramming him into the ring. Diving clothesline gets two. Rollins and Reigns control, making Goldust our first face-in-peril of the match. Goldust surprises Reigns with a DDT, but Cody gets taken out by Rollins before a tag can be made. Goldust continues to fend off the Shield, but now The Uso's get yanked off the apron to prevent a reluctant tag. Reigns with a back suplex for two. The Shield with lots of trash-talking until Goldust catches Reigns with a snap-powerslam. Cody FINALLY gets the hot tag and greets Rollins with a missile dropkick. Sunset flip out of the corner gets two. Moonsault gets two. Wheel-barrel boot to the midsection, but the Disaster Kick misses. Jimmy Uso tags himself in and comes off the top with a body press for two. Butt squash in the corner gets two! Reigns catches a Goldust body-press, but Jey Uso knocks both of them over the top rope, and follows with a suicide dive! Jimmy with a Samoan drop on Rollins for two! Jimmy to the top, but Rollins crotches him along the turnbuckle. Cody tags himself back in, but gets muscled into the corner. They fight on the top rope until Cody takes Rollins TO THE FLOOR, ONTO THE PILE, WITH A SUPERPLEX! Holy fuck, I can't believe that one. Rhodes covers Rollins, but Jey Uso breaks it with a splash. Reigns takes him out with a spear, and Jimmy takes Reigns out with a super-kick. Rollins fights off both Rhodes for the moment, but it's not long before Cody connects with the Cross Rhodes on Rollins for three at around 15:30. ***3/4 I'm probably overrating this on first view, but that was a hell of an opener, and an extremely well worked triple-threat match. It never once seemed like a clustered mess and had an incredibly hot finish.

- The Miz comes out to call out Bray Wyatt and his family of freaks. He's not medically cleared to wrestle an official match, so he just wants a fight. Wyatt responds with a titantron promo that hints at destruction. Go figure. Rowan and Harper attack, but suddenly THE MONSTER KANE returns from shooting See No Evil 2! And he chokeslam's Miz, because it's fun to beat up the Miz. So... what the hell? Is Kane a tweener, or what? We need answers, dammit, not more questions.

The Great Khali & Natalya (w/ Hornswoggle) vs. Fandango & Summer Rae:

With only six matches scheduled for the PPV, I knew to expect some filler, but who did Fandango piss off to have to wrestle Great Khali every week? I guess this match makes sense, considering the WWE Universe has never seen Summer Rae wrestle. From a few NXT shows I've watched, she's no worse than the rest of the Diva's crop (sans the likes of A.J., Natalya, etc.). Khali and Fandango start. I can pretty much sum it up before anything happens: Fandango tries to hit and run, and eventually settles on working the leg, but Khali dominates by slapping the chest. Even half-crippled Andre was better. Summer Rae tags in to bring Natalya into the match. Natalya with a headlock and shoulder tackle. Summer Rae surprises her with a bridge, but Nattie bridges up. Running dropkick by Summer, followed by gratuitous celebrating, allowing Nattie to take over. Fandango dances in, so Nattie sweeps the legs and goes for the Sharpshooter, but he escapes to the floor. Hornswoggle laughs in his face, but unfortunately Khali saves from any Leprechaun throwing. Fandango clips the knee (surprise!) and works him over. Nattie with a Michinoku Driver, but it's practically no-sold. Nattie can't quite get a Sharpshooter applied, and Summer Rae with a school girl roll-up from out of nowhere at 4:49. ** I'm quite surprised at how well Natalya and Summer Rae worked together. Summer Rae and Fandango with well-timed tags to limit Khali's involvement were good moves to keep the match watchable, and tell some kind of a story.

WWE United States Championship Match:
Dean Ambrose © vs. Big E. Langston:

We need more filler, and Curtis Axel is injured, as let's throw Langston into a random match with Dean Ambrose, where the finish is obviously going to be a bullshit finish to protect Langston and keep the title on Ambrose. I still think Big E. should do a new Nation of Domination. He's already got the tights and color scheme to go with it. Ambrose with some trash talk, so Langston lays him out with a clothesline and shoulder tackle for a two count. Langston sends him to the corner, and charges in with a shoulder to the midsection. Ambrose tries for a body press, but Langston catches and turns it into a back breaker. Ambrose with chops, to little or no effect. Langston with clubberin' blows and an overhead throw for two. Bearhug, because babyfaces should do boring restholds designed for heels to annoy the fans. Ambrose to the floor, where he finally is able to take control. Ambrose keeps going for the sleeper hold, because this match isn't boring me enough, already. Langston makes the Big Comeback™, but Ambrose avoids the Big Ending. Ambrose with a DDT for two. Big E. spears Ambrose off the apron in the only highspot of the match. Ambrose finally sucks fuck it and takes a walk to retain at 8:41. Langston with the Big Ending anyway, because babyfaces attack people after the bell. *1/2 I wasn't feeling it, and neither was the crowd, judging by the lack of heat. Even Ambrose seemed to be in low gear for this. There's no reason for these two to wrestle in a match designed to fill time, so why bother? There's got to be more people not on the card who can fill the role of a piss-break match.

Hell in a Cell Match: CM Punk vs. Ryback & Paul Heyman:

Yes, it was last year at Hell in a Cell that Ryback was randomly inserted into the main event scene, only to be robbed off the title courtesy of Brad Maddox. Now we're back, except this time Heyman is in Ryback's corner, and Punk is third from the top of the card because of it. Heyman makes his way to the ring in a contraption that seems to have the worst driver in the history of the world. IT'S A FORKLIFT, transporting Heyman to the top of the Cell. Was there no hope for Heyman in actually being able to climb up himself? He at least has the decency to cut a promo the entire time.

Punk controls the early moments with kicks, then clips the knee after avoiding a press slam. Punk sends him to the floor and follows with a suicide dive. He whips out a kendo stick, but Ryback quickly counters and rams Punk into the cell walls. Ryback with the Kendo Stick as he informs CM Punk that he is, indeed, a punk. Ryback controls, mostly with restholds like bearhugs and chinlocks. He'll occasionally work in some actual wrestling moves, but they usually look award, like some kind of weird jawbuster/Stunner he randomly pulls out of his ass. Punk surprises Ryback with a twisting body press, followed by a running knee to the face. Ryback counters a springboard clothesline with a powerslam, for two. Punk escapes Shell-Shock, hits another knee to the face, followed by a short-arm clothesline. Macho Man Elbow gets two. He brings a table into the ring, only to be crotched along the side of it. Punk goes low to retaliate, which makes Ryback want to lay down across the table. Punk to the top, and connects with another Macho Man Elbow, this time through the table! Punk with the GTS, and it's finally over at 13:50. Post-match, Punk brings the Kendo Stick to the top of the cell, whacks the holy hell out of Heyman with it, and givesd Heyman the GTS to finally put an end to this storyline (until Heyman comes back for revenge with Brock Lesnar). **1/2 There's very little chemistry between these two, which has been proven every time these two have met on PPV in the last 12-months. Hopefully this ends Ryback's presence at the top of the card, and maybe allows Punk to work with someone who brings something to the table other than an injury report and never-ending appetite.

Los Matadores (w/ El Torito) vs. The Real Americans (w/ Zeb Colter):

(Diego & Fernando vs. Antonio Cesaro & Jack Swagger)
This match only seemed natural to take place, with Zeb's Xenophobic views on the world and Los Matadores being... I don't know. They're Puerto Ricans playing Spaniards, but it's WWE, so stuff makes sense, I guess. Build-up for the match is basically El Torito goring Zeb. It's more than what half the matches on the show got, so I'm happy with it. Cesaro starts with Diego. Diego controls with a pair of head scissors, but soon gets thrown to the floor. Swagger tags in, and clips the knee. Back inside, Swagger comes off the second rope with a splash, and Cesaro with the leap-frog double-stomp for two. Swagger with a short-arm clothesline and Cesaro grabs a chinlock. Swagger cuts off the tag, then boots Fernando off the apron. Diego with a sunset flip, but Cesaro counters with the GIANT SWING! I lost track at about 25, but then Cesaro keeps going for more! Fernando makes the save on the pin attempt. Diego with an enziguri, and Fernando finally tags in. He works over Swagger and plants him with a tornado DDT. Cesaro and Diego go at it on the floor as Swagger clips the ankle of Fernando and grabs the Patriot Lock! We get heel miscommunication, and Diego KO's Swagger with a clothesline to the back of the head for three at 5:53. Post-match, El Torito humiliates Zeb again, and hits Swagger with a plancha. ** Acceptable filler. I'm starting to think Cesaro is only put on television and PPV to do that Giant Swing. It's one of the few matches to actually pop the crowd the entire match.

WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match:
Alberto Del Rio © vs. John Cena:

Despite being off on the injured list for two months and having zero matches, Cena earns a Championship Match... at least it's the secondary belt. Talk about a lame, wishy-washy injury return. The video packages would make you assume he's been gone for two years, when it's barely been 9-weeks. Either the severity of the injury was lied about, or Cena is some kind of genetic freak. No matter what, I don't like Del Rio's chances of leaving with the belt. Lockup, Del Rio grabs a hammerlock on the previously injured arm, and hangs on a little extra as Cena makes the ropes to escape. Cena uses the arm for a shoulder tackle, and sells the effects, hiding in the corner. Del Rio stomps away until Cena comes out of nowhere with a bulldog. Whip, Del Rio avoids a back drop, and dropkicks Cena to the floor. Del Rio follows, ramming the arm onto the ring steps. Back inside, Del Rio continues to dominate, almost as if he's taking Cena lightly. Cena catches Del Rio charging with a drop toe hold, but Del Rio avoids the STF, and connects with a release German Suplex for two. Del Rio keeps putting the pressure on Cena's arm, whether it's with restholds or well-placed strikes. Del Rio from the top rope with a double axehandle for two, then back to the arm.

Cena tries to go for the AA, but Del Rio easily escapes and clips the knee. Meanwhile, Damien Sandow is watching backstage. Spoiler: He doesn't do anything. Del Rio misses a charge, landing on the arena floor in the process. Del Rio to the top again, but this time Cena greets him coming off with a dropkick to the chest. Cena with shoulder tackles with the injured arm (no selling), followed by a back suplex. Five-Knuckle Shuffle Connect, but the AA is avoided for a second time and the Back-Stabber gets a two count. Del Rio rallies the crowd for his finisher, but Cena fights it off. Cena with a Tornado DDT from the second rope for a near fall. Cena to the top rope, and Del Rio follows with an enziguri for two. Cena avoids a second enziguri, but can't get the STF. Del Rio avoids the AA for a third time, and connects with a tilt-o-whirl backbreaker for another two count. Del Rio posts himself on as charge, and Cena comes off the top with a body press for two. Backstabber to the formerly-injured arm! Cross-Armbreaker is countered and Cena slaps on the STF! They're close to the ropes, and Del Rio forces the break. Del Rio with a pair of kicks to the head for two. Del Rio with the Cross-Armbreaker. Cena powers back to his feet and slams Del Rio to break the hold. Del Rio goes for it again, but Cena counters with the AA, and we have a new World Heavyweight Champion at 15:18. ***1/2 Only a fool wouldn't go with the obvious story of the match: Del Rio works the arm, kind of takes Cena lightly, only for Cena to overcome and win the Championship after a hard fought battle. The match could've used more time, I think, to really get going, but it's still a pretty good outing.

WWE Diva's Championship Match:
A.J. Lee (w/ Tamina Snuka) vs. Brie Bella (w/ Nikki):

Yeah, I don't care. I hope A.J. retains and accidentally breaks Brie's collar bone so we don't have to see these two worthless piles waste valuable television time. Don't forget, A.J.'s the heel, because the fans obviously missed that phantom face turn WWE thought they did with the Bella Twins. A.J. with a pie-face, then she does it again, automatically making this a one-star match. Brie with a pair of roll ups for a whopping one-count. Northern Lights Suplex almost dumps A.J. on her head. Great move to use on someone recovering from a concussion. Wait... am I really that into A.J.'s character that I'm defending everything she does and hating everyone else? Goes to show how quickly time can change someone's opinion. A.J. with a neck breaker, followed by some skipping to mostly cheers. Damn popular heels! A.J. counters Brie's attempt at a neck breaker and grabs a modified Dragon Sleeper. Nikki's sad, pathetic attempts at rallying the crowd by constantly screaming "Come on, Brie!" is obviously not working. Brie with dropkicks and a shitty clothesline for two. A.J. gets the knees up on a charge. Cute counter sequence ends with Brie slapping on a single-leg crab. Tamina and Nikki do stuff on the floor, but we get Heel... I mean Face Miscommuncation from the Bella's, and A.J. makes Brie Tap That Ass™ at 5:35. I said TAP THAT ASS, NOT TAP THAT LEG! Can't even tap out to the finisher properly... *1/2 I've seen worse.

- The Primetime Players are goofing around on WWE 2K14, when all of a sudden Mr. Bob Backlund shows up to preach about the evils of video games. The end joke is Backlund joining in on their "Millions of Dollars" dance. Okay...

WWE Championship; Hell In a Cell Match:
Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton:

(Special Referee: Shawn Michaels)
After three months of non-finishes, bullshit finishes, and retarded finishes, we are promised a NEW WWE Champion tonight, so we can rule out the non-finish and expect one of, or both, of the other options. We all know what's going on with Orton and Bryan, and Shawn Michaels was voted by the WWE Universe to be the special referee. Michaels is best friends with Triple H, hates Randy Orton, and helped train Daniel Bryan. Don't you love rigged polls? The hype video is less about Daniel Bryan and more about Triple H and Shawn Michaels. Because THAT is what's best for business: The modern day version of Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair hogging the spotlight, years past the point that they should've. Screw the Daniel Bryan's, CM Punk's, or Antonio Cesaro's. What we need is more focus on the main eventers from an era where most fans no longer are regular WWE viewers, just for the sake of not trying anything new or risky.

Michael Cole with the unofficial greatest slogan to describe the match: Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton: One More Time. Slugfest to start, and Orton quickly takes Bryan down with his snap powerslam. He sets up for the DDT, but Bryan hangs him up across the rope, and comes off the top with a missile dropkick. Bryan with his signature kicks, but Orton interrupts his clothesline off the ropes with a well-placed dropkick. Nice nod to countering a regular spot that's been successful every time they've met. Orton with a round-about on Bryan, dropping him across the top rope with a suplex three times, before knocking him off the apron, against the Cell wall. Orton follows up by sending Bryan into the ring steps. Orton plays "reconstruct the set for a spot that's likely to go against his intention", and wouldn't you know it, Bryan reverses the whip, sending Orton into the steps. Bryan makes Orton taste the cell, then adds a hint of ring steps. Bryan traps Orton in the tree-of-woe and continues abusing him with kicks, and finishes the flurry with a basement dropkick. Orton avoids a roundhouse kick, but Bryan quickly sends him to the floor with a dropkick, and follows through the ropes with a suicide dive. Bryan goes for it one time too many, and ends up taking a face-first dive into the Cell!

Orton crotches Bryan along the ring post, and uses the post to assist him in connecting with his signature back breaker. Back inside, Orton sets Bryan up along the top turnbuckle, pounding away with rights and headbutts. He finally climbs up with him, only for Bryan to fight back and take him down with a sunset flip/powerbomb. They slug it out, battling back to their feet, with Bryan getting the upperhand. Whip to the ropes, Bryan lays Orton out with a diving clothesline. Bryan with the running dropkicks in the corner, followed by a top rope huirrcanrana! Bryan to the top again, coming down with the Swandive Headbutt for a two count. Orton ducks the roundhouse kick and rolls Bryan up for two. Bryan counters that into the Yes-Lock. Orton goes to the ropes, but that's not going to do anything. They spill to the floor, where Orton is rammed repeatedly into the Cell. This match needs blood with all the cage shots. Bryan with another running dropkick, then pulls out a steel chair. He rams Orton in the midsection, and bashes him across the back with it not once, not twice, but thrice. Bryan throws chair after chair into the ring, ten in all, and another to use for more punishment on Orton.

Back in the ring, along with piles of chairs, Orton rakes the eyes to slow Bryan down and plays Whack a Goat with one of the chairs. He gets a series of two counts, as Orton changes chairs for each attempt, as if one is magically going to win the match for him. He ends up piling up all the chairs in one stack. He sets Bryan up on the top rope, but Bryan fights him down. Orton trips him up again, and this time it's a Super-Plex! Unfortunately, the spot missed most of the pile, with only Bryan's legs kicking a couple of them. The disappointing spot only gets two. Triple H waddles down to ringside, so we must be running out of time. He instantly gets the most heat of the match, which again proves what's wrong with this whole scenario. HBK and Triple H arguing takes center stage, as Orton connects with a T-Bone Suplex, but without a referee count. Bryan goes for the Yes-Lock, but Orton fights out of it and plants Bryan with a DDT. Orton goes for the RKO, but a ref' bump knocks out Shawn Michaels.

Read that again. A SIMPLE REF BUMP KNOCKS OUT SHAWN MICHAELS. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! Triple H orders the cage door to be opened, meanwhile Bryan hits the Running Knee on Orton, but there's no count because Shawn is playing dead to a simple bump. Triple H throws Bryan down as he's trying to revive Michaels, so Bryan KO's Triple H with the Running Knee! Shawn Michaels recovers, lays out Bryan with Sweet Chin Music, and Randy Orton gets the three count and another run as WWE Champion at 22:07. Yeah, we've seen "special referee Shawn Michaels" cost someone a WWE Title before because of a misunderstanding, but still, what the hell is going on? What's Randy Orton going to be doing, defend the title against Daniel Bryan, AGAIN? Will he be defending the WWE Title against the worthless Big Show? ***1/2 Match was going well and was incredibly fun until the last five minutes, and then the wheels fell off the wagon. I've lost all hope in the top storyline the WWE is pushing on us, all hope Daniel Bryan will be used in a meaningful situation, and all hope that Raw will not feature Triple H and the McMahon's in gratuitous amounts for the next five months.

Final Thoughts: Thumbs Down. Come back in three months when Royal Rumble happens so we can hopefully get something decent going to build towards WrestleMania XXX.

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