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WWE Main Event - March 4, 2014

by Scrooge McSuck

- Last night on Monday Night Raw, Daniel Bryan threw down the challenge to Triple H for a match at WrestleMania XXX. We get more of the same "you're not good enough, you're a B+ Player" crap that has buried Bryan for months, but dammit, the fans are hanging in there, holding out hope. Bryan got to face Batista in Raw's Main Event, and it didn't end too well for him, getting laid out with a Pedigree from the COO of the company. The way things are building, you would think Bryan might get plugged into the Title Match, but it seems like Randy Orton MIGHT do a quasi-turn to really piss everyone off.

- Looks like WWE Main Event has a new theme song since the last time I've watched. I guess the new song is "ON My Own" by CFO$, but I still prefer Shinedown's "Diamond Eyes." Byron Saxton and Tom Phillips are calling the action. I guess they will be covering Main Event, Superstars, AND NXT? I sense some rotating commentary teams right now, otherwise these guys will get burned out quickly.

Daniel Bryan vs. Kane:

Woah, Main Event featuring a Main Event level match, AND putting it on first? What is this, an episode of Main Event, back when the show was worth watching?! Kane's working in slacks, but at least he's gotten rid of the wife-beater. He looks less Indy, I guess. I love how The Authority took credit for Daniel Bryan's popularity and marketing his merchandise... did I mention I just bought a new Daniel Bryan "Yes! Yes! Yes!" bib for the Little Scroogester? .. And this is where my local Internet connection died for about twenty minutes. So, two days and four hours later, we resume, because dammit, I wanted to recap Main Event, and I'll do it, even if it means watching a taped version of it!

Kane quickly traps Bryan in the corner and pounds away. Dr. Selby must be spinning in his grave. Whip to the corner, and he follows in with a clothesline. Kane with a knee to the midsection and basement dropkick for two. Bryan escapes a chinlock with elbows, then pulls the ropes down on a charge attempt. Bryan tries a dive off the apron, but Kane catches and slams him into the security wall. Back inside, Kane charges and takes a drop toe hold to the buckle. Bryan with kicks to the leg, followed by a Dragon Screw. Bryan continues working the leg until Kane lays him out with a right uppercut. Kane plants him with a slam, and follows with an elbow drop for two. Bryan escapes a chinlock and takes Kane down with a dropkick to the knee. Bryan with a series of kicks and dropkicks, but he goes to the well once too much and eats a big boot. We throw to a commercial, but we're back instantly with Bryan fighting free of another chinlock. Whip to the ropes, and Bryan brings Kane down with a tornado DDT. Bryan fails at a roll up, but a dropkick sends Kane to the floor. Bryan follows with a suicide dive, knocking Kane into the security wall. Back in, and a missile dropkick gets two. Yes! Kicks, but a roundhouse misses, and Kane connects with a side slam for two. Kane off the top with the flying clothesline. He sets up for a Chokeslam, but Bryan counters with a roundhouse kick. Diving Headbutt gets two. Kane survives another flurry of kicks and chokes away from the top turnbuckle. Bryan escapes with another high kick, but a hurricanrana attempt is an epic fail. Kane comes off the ropes with a DDT, but only gets a two count. Kane with a pair of short-arm clotheslines. Here comes the Chokeslam, but Bryan counters with a sunset flip, and it's enough for the three count at 12:35. ***1/4 Not a fan of the sudden finish, but a great "David vs. Goliath" match, with Kane taking a beating, and Bryan making Kane look like a force to be reconed with, even in such a goofy capacity as the Director of Operations, whatever that is. I definitely expected much worse.

- Last "Night" on Monday Night Raw, the Uso's shocked the world by defeating the New Age Outlaws for the Tag Team Championship. The rematch is later tonight!

- The WWE and Scooby-Doo Cross-Over comes out on DVD at the end of the month. Buy It. OBEY!

- Josh Mathews tracks down Kane backstage, pissing him off by having a question answered that wasn't even asked. "How are you?" "Triple H is going to be mad, because that goat doesn't deserve to be in the ring with me!" "Ok, then."

Nikki Bella (w/ Brie) vs. Alicia Fox (w/ Aksana):

It's times like these where I wish I still drank alcohol. Entrances are cut out from the "previously recorded" version, but I do remember both getting entrances in the live stream. I guess Fox and Aksana are officially a team, despite having nothing in common. Phillips "jokingly" throws out the name "Fox-Ana" for them, but deep down, you know that's all creative could come up with them. Just let Aksana talk in that sexy accent, and Fox can pretend to be Asian or something, and you can call them the Foreign Fantasstics. Whoops, forgot, we're PG. Fox quickly misses an elbow, allowing Nikki to work the arm. Whip and a sloppy head scissors from Nikki, followed by a seriously (poorly) over-sold monkey flip. Aksana with a distraction, allowing Fox to get take over. Northern Lights Suplex gets two. Snapmare and we settle into a chinlock. Brie tricks fans into chanting for Nikki. I guess Brie thinks that because she's banging Daniel Bryan, the crowd will do whatever she says... well, it worked. Huzzah. Aksana tries to get involved again, but Brie pulls her off the apron, and Nikki quickly finishes Fox with the Bitch Buster at 3:55. * Needed more Aksana. Even Cena's Girlfriend never does a job. RISE ABOVE! NEVER GIVE UP! BANG THE TOP DOG IN THE COMPANY!

- Big Show is back, this Friday on Smackdown! Because the wrestling world just can't live without Big Show sucking the fun out of everything he's involved with. Seriously, retire. There's nothing left for you.

- Renee Young is in the ring for an interview with the NEW Tag Team Champions, Jimmy and Jey Uso. It's not a good promo. The New Age Outlaws interrupt, in their street clothes. Road Dogg is claiming an injury, so the rematch is postponed. And apparently Billy Gunn caught an STD or something, but we shouldn't judge him. I'm cool with Road Dogg using Gunn as the butt of jokes to get himself over. Brad Maddox shows up to make a NEW Match, because the world was promised a title match tonight. I guess he's the G.M. of Main Event now?

WWE Tag Team Championship Match:
Jimmy & Jey Uso vs. Los Matadores (w/ El Torito):

What is this pathetic bait-and-switch?! I demand the New Age Outlaws! Wait... what?! The Outlaws have been dragging the division down since winning the titles, and have had sucky matches with everyone. If anything, this is an improvement! All hail Los Matadores! I guess they earned a title match by constantly beating up RybAxel. The big question remains: When is Tito Santana going to show up for the pep-talk of the century? This better be good, considering the countless (and I mean COUNTLESS) matches the Uso's had with Epico and Primo from 2010-2012.

We start with a trading of Uso and Ole chants. They must've slipped crack in the popcorn to get the crowd interested here. In an odd moment, Road Dogg asks the same question I was going to... how do you tell which man from which, on BOTH teams? I guess it's Jey and Fernando starting. Jey with a side headlock, followed by a shoulder tackle and a roll up for two. They trade pin attempts, then arm drags. Both go for a dropkick, hitting nothing but air. Diego and Jimmy in now. They take turns working the arm. Jimmy with a pair of arm drags, and we're back to playing the crowd. Diego's Mortal Kombat inspired spinning leg sweep misses, and Jimmy celebrates by dancing like Daddy Rikishi. Jimmy slingshots Diego to the corner, and Jey follows with a diving forearm. Diego gets sent to the floor, and it's a parade of highspots from both Uso's and Fernando as we take a quick break. We're back, with the Matadores hitting a weak version of Total Elimination for a two count. Double monkey flip for another two count. Suplex and tope' from Diego gets two. Jey mounts his comeback, hits the Matadores with a double clothsline, and here's the hot tag to Jimmy. He pounds away on Fernando, plants him with a Bubba Bomb, but misses the running butt. They fight over a Tombstone (not the Pizza) until Fernando connects with a Tornado DDT, getting two. Asai Moonsault doesn't find it's target, and Jimmy hits a Samoan Drop for two. Diego tries a fancy head scissors, but Jey dropkicks him to the floor. Double Superkick from the Uso's, and a splash from the top finishes at 7:40. *** Fun and energetic. Both teams had a lot of fire in them, something that was seriously lacking in the encounters I recall watching on old episodes of Superstars. Post-Match, Gunn tries punking out El Torito, but gets his Mr. Ass handed to him for it. How is El Torito getting put over better than half the roster?!

Final Thoughts: Wouldn't you know it, you put two high profile(ish) matches on and you get spectacular results! I know this might be a one time thing, what with this being the first LIVE Edition of WWE Main Event since the inaugural broadcast (allegedly), but two matches hit three stars, and the only black-eye on the broadcast was a crappy 4-minute match between a couple of shitty Diva's. With WrestleMania around the corner, and an emphasis on making everything seem important on the WWE Network, I'm officially signing back on to recap Main Event every week... until WrestleMania. Then we'll see how things go from there.

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