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UWF Fury Hour - November 5, 1990
by Scrooge McSuck
- Televised on Sports-Channel America, taped on October 11th, 1990 from the Reseda Country Club in Reseda, CA, with "Mr. Electricity" Herb Abrams and Bruno Sammartino attempting to call the action. Yes, that is indeed Abrams nickname, I wish I could come up with that kind of comedy on my own. Last week on the Fury Hour, Nikita and Ivan Koloff battled to a "10" minute time limit draw, B. Blair and his new valet, Honey, outsmarted John Tolos and his Head Bounty Hunter, Ludvig Viking made his debut, squashing Davey "The Patriot" Meltzer under a pile of rags, and weíre looking at the inevitable battle of Oregon "brothers" and masters of the Full Nelson, Billy Jack Haynes and Ken Patera.
- This week on the Fury Hour... "Mr. Wonderful" Paul Orndorff, "The Unpredictable" Cactus Jack, "Chief Jay Strongbow, the "War Dancer" (Abrams words, not mine), "Cowboy" Bob Orton, The Viking, and Ken Patera vs. Billy Jack Haynes in our feature match. Iím assuming weíll also have a Captainís Corner. We open the show with promos from Patera and Haynes hyping the feature for the week.
"Mr. Wonderful" Paul Orndorff vs. Gary Keyes:
I wonder if weíll ever acknowledge the history between Orndorff and Dr. Death that was set up in the first few weeks of UWF television. Lockup and Orndorff with a drop toe hold into the arm-bar. Orndorff switches to a hammer-lock while Sammartino mumbles with marbles in his mouth. Keyes tries to punk out Orndorff and gets thrown out of the ring for it. Orndorff follows him and plants him with the softest slam in the history of the sport. Back inside the ring, Orndorff with a knee lift and clothesline, followed by the piledriver for the three count at 1:59. I guess he didnít feel like picking him up at the count of two and risk losing the match.
- Paul Orndorff with a green-screen promo detailing something that we didnít actually see, as he was celebrating with a "little old lady" and was attacked by Dr. Death Steve Williams. Oh well, he may not be there in body, but heís there in the script. I guess this was being Poochie before Poochie was a thing.
"Chief Jay Strongbow" vs. "The Unpredictable" Cactus Jack:
The fraudulent promotions continue, as they actually hype "Strongbowís" hometown as Pawhuska, OK, the gimmicked hometown of the REAL Jay Strongbow. This better be quick, or I better find some newfound material to amuse myself with. The crowd seems hyped by Cactus entrance music, Guns Ní Roses "Welcome to the Jungle." Lockup to the corner and the crowd is clearly behind the madman from Truth or Consequences, NM. Cactus with rights and a headbutt. Whip to the ropes and he connects with a shoulder tackle. Crisscross, "Strongbow" with a hip toss and splash for a two count. Cactus with a handful of tights, sending "Strongbow" into the turnbuckle. Cactus sends him to the floor and slams a garbage can over him. No Disqualification. Might as well bring the gun, since the referee isnít calling DQís on the floor. Cactus goes to the well once too often and takes a back drop on the crushed plastic garbage can. Thatís a LONG 10-count. "Strongbow" throws him over the security rail, then into the post. I donít recall him doing that in Madison Square Garden. "Strongbow" dumps the can over Cactusí head and throws him into the post again. Back in the ring, "Strongbow" goes into his signature war dance. He slaps on a sleeperÖ and the match cuts off. WHAT THE HELL MAN!? How the hell am I supposed to make fun of the finish when we donít see the finish?! Just like "Strongbow", a rip off. I demand my nickel back!
"Cowboy" Bob Orton Jr. vs. Michael Moore:
Iím pretty sure that isnít the documentary-style filmmaker. If it is, then thereís a heck of a conversation piece, isnít it? Lockup, Orton with a waist-lock and takedown. He rubs poor Mikeyís face into the canvas because heís a douche. I wonder what he wouldíve done if that were Davey Meltzer. Orton with a double under-hook suplex, without leaving his feet. Iím assuming heís NOT getting paid per bump he has to take. Poor Orton has the distinct honor of being one of the few people to be featured in Abramsí UWF and the Alpterstein AWF. Orton with an abdominal stretch. The crowd chants for Orndorff, since heís feuding with everyone, I guess. Orton from the second rope with a knee to the face. He sets Moore across the top turnbuckle, and finishes him off with the Super-Plex at 3:37. Total squash.
- Captain Louís Corner with a BIG surprise, and yes, the pun was definitely intended. Heís actually in the ring for this one instead of the over-worked green screen. His special guest this week... ANDRE THE GIANT!?!? Sorry, Andre "the Giant", as if that was necessary quotes for the on-screen graphic. He doesnít say much, but who cares. Herb Abrams actually convinced Andre or convinced someone else to get him on UWF programming.
The Viking vs. Kevin Benjamin:
Two weeks in a row for the poorest looking Halloween costume this side of a second-rate WCW gimmick. Kevin is of no relation to Shelton, who might have been about 9 years old at this point, making the reference quite questionable. Viking goes to work on the arm as I now am forced to pay attention to the match instead of my second-rate comedy club routine. Whip to the ropes and they botch a side suplex spot in spectacular fashion. Whereís the Botch-a-Mania chant when you need it? Whip to the corner and Viking follows in with a clothesline. Benjamin is all "screw this" and takes a powder, but realizes he doesnít get to bounce his check unless he finishes the job. Viking with a suplex and press slam. He comes off the ropes with an elbow drop, and thatís enough for the three count at 2:31. Three years later, and Tony Halme was just as bad in the ring. This is one sad excuse for a stretcher job. Those vicious elbows onto the meat of the arm must be deadlier than they look.
David Sammartino vs. Riki Ataki:
Sammartino is neither hyped during the introductions of the match, nor get an entrance. I guess earlier in the show, Sammartino saved "Chief Jay Strongbow" from Cactus Jack, so that feud is far from over, unless Abrams doesnít send the check to the Sammartino household. Sammartino with a quick arm drag on Ataki, into the arm-bar. He switches to a hammer-lock while we get a rambling comparison between Patera and Billy Jack. Ataki takes over, putting the boots to Sammartino. At least it wasnít a Pearl Harbor job. Ataki heads to the top rope, but Sammartino shakes him off. Sammartino with a slam and a running knee drop. He goes to work on the leg, slaps on the Figure-Four, and Ataki submits at 4:06. Sammartino shows his sportsmanship by helping Ataki up and gives him a hug. LAME!
- UWF Wrestling LIVE is Thursday Night, November 8th from Roseda, CA. Andre The Giant hangs around promises we will see a lot of him and has issued challenges to everyone. LIAR.
Billy Jack Haynes vs. "Olympic Strongman" Ken Patera:
Feature Match of the Weekô. Iím making the official prediction a Double Count-Out. Hard to take Haynes seriously wearing a UWF cap backwards. Abrams is still gushing over Andreís arrival. Iím going to bet the check didnít clear. Crowd chants "Jailbird" at Patera, inspiring the Mountieís stay in the NYC prison the next year. OK, that was a lie, but some gullible buffoons will fall for it. Lockup goes nowhere. Patera with a headlock, but a shoulder tackle doesnít budge either. They go for the rest-of-strength. That originally started as a typo, but turned into quite an accurate description of the match, so far. Haynes battles back, but Patera goes to the ropes. Patera with an over-head wrist-lock. Haynes counters with a head scissors and Patera complains about a hair-pull. Based on the pace, it suggests theyíre going 60-minute Broadway. God help us all for just imagining that. Thereís just nothing happening. You thought 1988 Ken Patera stunk? Heís got nothing on 1990 Patera. They trade chin-locks. Whip to the corner and Patera misses a charge. Thereís a surprise. Haynes goes for the Full Nelson, but Patera makes it to the ropes. Patera gently elbows the referee, and Haynes accidentally nails him in the crossfire of such hot action. The referee says enough is enough (thank you, Jesse Hernandez, another Alumni of both UWF and AWF), and gives Patera the victory via Disqualification at 8:37. DUD Haynes wants more afterwards, but Patera refuses with a less-than-polite gesture. Thank you, Patera.
Next Week on the Fury Hour: Billy Jack Haynes vs. Col. DeBeers. Jesus, enough with Billy Jack Haynes. Didnít we already see that as a feature match? Larry Sampson will be the referee of the match. You remember, the African-American referee DeBeers attacked? He even gets a green-screen promo! "UWF Commissioner" Arnold Ross follows that up with a promo as well. Holy hell.
Final Thoughts: I donít know where to start. I guess Col. DeBeersí "anti-African American" stuff is back after a few weeks without so much as a whisper. David Sammartino is teaming up with Chief Jay Notbow to face Cactus Jack and (allegedly) Jack Armstrong (not the Cincinnati Reds pitcher of the era). Andre the Giantís appearance was treated with tons of hoopla, but obviously went nowhere. Orndorff is still penciled in with feuds against both Dr. Death and Cowboy Bob. No word on the Brian Blair/Dan Spivey angle. The wrestling was mostly poor, and things seem to be done at random whims. Iím starting to enjoy myself now. Only about 30 more episodes before the fun wraps up.
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