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Mystery Wrestling #01 - April 30th, 2023

by Scrooge McSuck

Evil Uno Mystery Wrestling

Taped on April 30th, 2023 from Aylmer, Quebec, Canada and originally featured via Patreon and Evil Uno's Twitch channel. Speaking of Evil Uno, he's on hand to cover play-by-play along with Dalton Castle, and $5 says Uno is the man behind booking the show. I don't know, call it a hunch. The gimmick of Mystery Wrestling is that everything is a mystery, right down to who will be participating in each match.

Benjamin Tull vs. BMD vs. James Stone vs. Buxx Belmar:

Wheeler Yuta is our special referee… og wait, sorry, Evil Uno and Dalton call him Ricky Righteous. Dalton has some interesting tidbits about each performer, like Tull collecting rare butterflies and James Stone is working on a sourdough recipe. Belmar opens the action with a Super-Kick on Tull, then gets sent to the floor by BMD. Stone and BMD trade blows in the ring with Belmar and Tull work the floor. Tull lays into BMD with chops and and comes off the ropes with a big boot. Buxx runs wild and hits a double blockbuster on Stone and Tull. BMD breaks up a pin attempt and unloads with the ground ‘n' pound. Crowd chants "Swedish Fish", triggering Uno to ask Castle what his favorite candy is. Uno follows with a story about Buxx having fans spit in his hand. Gross. "Someone threw a water bottle, escort that man out!" "It was one of the competitors" "Oh, never mind then." Tull puts the boots to Buxx but he keeps popping up. He staggers Tull with Super-Kicks and decides to have a Super-Kick Party on all three opponents. Stunner to BMD for a one-count and the crowd comically chants "that was three!" Buxx misses a leg drop off the top rope and eats a Super-Kick courtesy of BMD. BMD with an ushigoroshi for a near-fall. Stone sends BMD from corner-to-corner and plants him with a Rock Bottom. Tull catches Buxx diving off the top rope and accidentally nails "Ricky Righteous", who sells it like death. "You're way tougher than this!" screams BMD. Buxx comes back to life and cradles BMD, but the referee has a hard time counting past two. Tull isn't amused, so BMD catches him in a cradle and we get a normal cadence three-count at 8:34. 4 plus 5 times 45 divided by 7 times 2 stars.

Cecil Nyx vs. Abadon:

The entrance music plays for the first participant and Uno laughably asks "This the Righteous?" Dalton says that he and Nyx are former partners, with some success in 2013. Their record? 1-0. HOLY CRAP, SOMEONE SIGN THIS MAN. I can't remember the last time I've seen Abadon on AEW television. The bell rings and Nyx blasts Abadon with a pump kick. She pops right up and lays into him in the corner with forearms. Whip across the ring and Abadon with a series of clotheslines, followed by a hurricanrana. She comes off the ropes with a senton and covers for a two-count. Nyx is in trouble because "he has a weak neck and greasy hair." Nyx cuts Abadon off with a tumbleweed and briefly holds her in an overhead back breaker. He sends Abadon to the floor and hits a tope suicida, legitimately whacking someone at ringside. Back inside, Nyx with an odd moonsault using the ropes to bring him in from the apron. Now we've got a conversation about Roadblock, the job guy from Rochester who back in the day jumped the One Man Gang at a WWF TV taping. Abadon with a crucifix bomb and package piledriver for two. Nyx drops Abadon over his "very large" knee for another two-count. Dalton compares this to a Michael Myers movie. "Is that a comedian?" Abadon cuts Nyx off on the top rope and brings him down with a super-plex. Uno just hopes he doesn't have to buy a new ring. "I feel like I've been watching a one-sided murder." Nyx blocks a V-Trigger and hits a Samoan drop for two. "Why won't you die?" Cecil loads up for… something that doesn't benefit guys his size, gets caught with a spine-buster, and Abadon finishes with a snap head-scissors at 6:25. Uno and Dalton share a nondescript beverage and Dalton convinces Uno to take his shirt off. 45 and 5/8 broken star pieces.

Vanessa Kraven vs. Alexia Nicole:

The poor referee gets booed out of the place for the second match in a row. Nicole's music had me convinced for a moment that Dalton Castle was going to ditch commentary and work. "Alexia had a robot arm, but now we have a full robot body (regarding Kraven)." Uno wants the ring announcer canceled for botching ambidextrous. Nicole takes note from the last match and opens the match hot, taking Kraven down with a dropkick and coming off the ropes with a meteora for a two-count. Nicole's robotic arm almost gets Kraven on her shoulders, but Kraven escapes and throws Nicole across the ring with a release German suplex. Whip and Kraven uses her body to treat Nicole like a crash test dummy. Fallaway slam into the corner and Kraven misses a cannonball. HOLY CRAP, MRS. UNO CRASHES THE TABLE FOR A CAMEO. Nicole somehow takes control and gets the post-assisted figure-four leg lock. Back inside, Nicole with a DDT to the leg for a two-count. The crowd rallies behind Kraven but Nicole cuts her off. There seems to be confusion from the crowd over a possible appearance of a flannel-wearing guy with a flock. Kraven finally gets to her feet and runs through Nicole with clotheslines. "She's trying to break her like a pinata!" Whip and a shoulder block sends Nicole rolling to the floor. Uno shares some choice trash talk from Nicole, who once suggested the local hockey team sucks. Nicole hangs Kraven across the middle rope and takes her down with a Code Breaker for two. Uno reveals he can't actually drink with his mask on, but keeps trying. Nicole with an STF Lock, but Kraven gets to the ropes. Nicole to the top and Kraven catches her with a sit-out Powerbomb for three at 6:51. "Congratulations to Raven!" Eleventeen and a half stars. Would've been more if Scott Levy showed up as Scotty Flamingo.

Wheeler Yuta vs. Shayne Hawke:

Uno says this match stipulation is to be decided by a Twitch vote. The options: A 1-minute time limit match, a 2-count match, falls count anywhere but in the ring, or a 2-man Battle Royal. If I'm voting, I'm going for the Battle Royal. Uno is so into Hawke's entrance music that he pops the second sleeve of his t-shirt. "Wheeler Yuta is here? That guy is a pr*ck!" According to the ring announcer, Hawke has a win over Claudio Castagnoli and has a cat named after Stone Cold Steve Austin. Wheeler Yuta takes exception to his favorite underwear being Fruit of the Loom, and most definitely never worked as a referee. The results are in: FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE BUT IN THE RING. Uno has his money on the match ending in Europe, and Dalton says Greenland. Lockup and Hawke with a takedown into a cover. The referee doesn't count, making him a better referee than Ricky Righteous. Yuta taps Hawke, but they're still in the ring. Hawke points to his head to tell us how smart he is. Yuta dumps him to the floor as Uno and Dalton argue over if the pin counts on the apron. Yuta with elbow strikes and a sleeper, but Hawke gets a hand on the ring to force a break. Oh my God, this is so dumb, but so hilarious at the same time. Hawke gets dumped back in the ring and Yuta hits a springboard splash. Now all this match needs is a 10-count IN THE RING. Yuta Dumps Hawke out and uses the ring for the illegal cover, but only gets two. Dalton talks about meeting Mother Uno and being Uno's new Step-Dad. Oh MY GOD… Hawke rolls Yuta into the ring and counts to 10, thinking he won by Count-Out. This is the greatest match in the history of the sport. Hawke winds up and pokes the eyes. He hits Yuta with a DDT and rolls him to the floor for a two-count. They do the pinning combination counter for about 20-seconds until Yuta gets on top and scores the fall at 4:45. 5-million stars, but Dalton says "Top 10" and Uno thinks "at least Top 18." Dalton wants them to run it back, as does the crowd. Yuta grabs a microphone and says that was the weirdest thing he's ever done, but he won, and that's all that matters.

Stu Grayson vs. Alan Angels:

Stu is the first man to come out. Uno: "I KNOW THAT GUY!" Dalton says Stu makes his own music by doing fart noises into a microphone. Angels heels on the crowd as Uno questions who booked this. Dalton with the GREATEST RESPONSE. "It's a mystery, we'll never know. It's not like you booked this show, it's on your twitch stream, and you're the only one benefiting from it financially." Uno rejects the idea of the locker room forming a union. Angels' least favorite number is 5 ("I get that reference!"). According to Stu, anyone that doesn't speak French is a "little b*tch." The crowd chants 5 in French. They fight for a waist-lock and Angels goes to work on the arm. Angels is like a red-headed step-child to Uno, except he has no hair. Stu ignores a punt to the chest and takes Angels down with a jumping hurricanrana. Whip to the ropes and Grayson with a dropkick. Fun tidbit: Stu doesn't own a regular pair of pants. Angels rolls out of the ring and literally sweeps the apron from under Stu. Dalton apologizes for being speechless, he saw three handsome moves in a row: the drop-kicky boy, the step up floaty kicky face, and the apron whoopsie-doodle. Stu gets the better of the chop exchange. Angels survives a corner clothesline and sends Grayson shoulder-first into the post. That's no regular post, IT'S SQUARE SHAPED! We get a hot conversation about Angels going down the wrong path since changing his favorite color to Yellow. Uno says there's 70,000 fans packed into the venue watching this classic. Most of them are camera shy, and that's why we can't see them. Grayson tries a one-armed comeback as Uno teases us with a thumb wrestling match against Dalton Castle. Grayson with clotheslines, but a German Suplex is blocked. Stu recovers with a spike uranage and springboard moonsault for two. The pro-murder crowd gets behind Stu as he hits a TKO for a near-fall. Grayson misses the target from the top rope. Angels with a roundhouse heel kick and the Rings of Alan Angels, but Stu makes it to the ropes. Stu avoids a clothesline, nips up, and hits a Pele Kick. He hits Angels with the German Suplex train (made famous by Dalton Castle). How ironic if he were to take FIVE German suplexes from a Frenchman?! Angels tries using some old brotherhood to get mercy and hits Stu low. Angels misses the discus clothesline and Grayson turns him inside-out with the clothesline himself. Stu with a V-Trigger in the ropes and he finishes with the Night Fall at 12:10. "People are so happy to see Alan Angels has died, officially." "Stu Grayson, great wrestler, and hell of a DJ as well!"

Evil Uno and Dalton Castle have their impromptu thumb wrestling match, with a walk-on cameo by Ricky Righteous. 67 million stars.

Fatal Doorway Match:
Fresh Air vs. Locked and Loaded vs. Fight or Flight vs. Le Tabarnak de Team:

Fresh Air are Junior Benito and Macrae Martin, Locked and Loaded are Jessie V and Mark Wheeler, Fight or Flight are Gabriel Fuerza & Vaughn Vertigo and Le Tabarnak de Team are Mathieu St-Jacques & Thomas Dubois. Uno hasn't a clue what a "fatal doorway" means. He's also completely shirtless. Where did Dalton Castle go? Uno still throws it to him and reacts as if Dalton is answering. Probably a restroom visit. Every team comes out with a door. At first I thought they were tables, but then I remembered the match is a Fatal DOORWAY and got the pun. Dalton notices Uno's shirt off and unbuttons the rest of his. I'm going to apologize ahead of time because this might be a chaotic mess to keep tabs on. Doors are brought in before the bell and one member of Fresh Air gets launched through one by a member of Locked and Loaded. He just lays there dead for a while. TDT run wild and clean house with a bunch of clotheslines. A pair of topes backfires, allowing Fight or Flight to take control of the ring. Meanwhile, Junior Benito is still dead. Macrae Martin pulls his partner to his feet and drops him on Gabriel Fuerza. Doors are falling and Uno might be liable for some ringside injuries. Everyone takes turns with a dive to the floor, including Jessie V, who is clearly the biggest man in the match. JUNIOR BENITO WAS PLAYING DEAD ALL ALONG. He carries Jessie V off the top rope and puts him through a door with a Death Valley Driver. Double DDT and clotheslines from TDT. Martin spears Dubois through a door as Benito cradles St-Jacques for a near-fall.

Vertigo and Fuerza bring chairs in the ring ("those chairs aren't legal!") and use them to prop up a door. "I've seen Monsters Inc., so I assume a child's bedroom is behind it?" Fuerza with a Canadian Destroyer on Martin ONTO THE DOOR. Or as they call it in Canada, "a destroyer.". I should note this is one-fall to a finish. Vertigo with a senton onto Benito through a door, but the pin is broken up. Mark Wheeler no-sells a handspring Stunner and puts Vertigo through a door with a powerslam. Oh my God, how many doors have they brought?! Everyone takes turns smashing each other with broken door pieces until Jessie V no-sells Fuerza and plants him with a Chokeslam. He plows through TDT and their door and lays them both out. "The whole budget was spent on these doors!" TDT WITH A DOOR CONCHAIRTO! Mark Wheeler is caught off the ropes and thrown through a door in the corner. Wheeler gets whacked one more time and a sit-out Powerbomb secures the win for Le Tabarnak de Team at 12:56. THERE'S STILL MORE DOORS, so the referee gets put through one to make up for his terrible work. "Why couldn't they do that to Ricky?!" All the stars in the universe plus two.

Final Thoughts: If you're not a fan of comedy in wrestling, DO NOT WATCH MYSTERY WRESTLING. The tone is set by a loose, fun atmosphere, including some comical spots in the ring and a Mystery Science Theater style commentary from Uno and Dalton Castle. The show only runs 85 minutes, so it definitely doesn't overstay its welcome. Some matches lean harder into the comedy than others, with Grayson vs. Angels probably being the least, and Shayne Hawke vs. Wheeler Yuta leaning into it the hardest. I enjoyed myself, though I did have a hard time getting into the main event due to having a hard time keeping up with everyone, on top of being unfamiliar with all the men involved. As a once-in-a-while show to kill a little bit of time, I can see myself checking these guys out again.

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