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Halloween Havok 2017 - The Top 13 "Friday The 13th" Kills
by Infinite Devil Machine
Welcome boils and ghouls, to yet another year of delightful frights and thrilling chills. Its Halloween Havok 2017. And not just a regular Halloween Havok (but really, isn't every Halloween a special time of year?). This is a Halloween that happens to contain a Friday. A Friday, that happens to be on the... 13th! So, I began thinking, on this the spookiest of months, during the Halloween Havok season, how I could properly celebrate such a spooktacular day of the year. And it hit me... like a Jason Voorhees-sized zombie to the face. A countdown. But not just any countdown. A countdown of the 10...no 20... no 13 best kills in the "Friday The 13th" movie franchise. What better way to celebrate the day, than to pay tribute to the masked maniac who makes us all afraid of it?
So, without further adieu, boils and ghouls and creepy crawlies of all ages, I present....
The Top 13 Kills From "Friday The 13th".
13. Pamela Voorhees Loses Her Head - "Friday The 13th Part 1"
- There are many, many legendary kills in the "Friday The 13th" film series. But perhaps none of them are as important as this one. The literal launching point for an entire immortal series. We all know by now (hopefully) that Jason Voorhees wasn't the killer in the original "Friday The 13th". That honor went to Jason's poor mother, Pamela Voorhees. Who, upon finding out that the summer camp her dear boy Jason drowned at, due to neglect on the part of the camp's counselors, was reopening, decided to take her pound of flesh from everyone involved. Going on a killing spree that saw the deaths of multiple victims, Pamela was finally stopped by the franchise's first final girl, Alice. After some exciting cat-and-mouse games, Alice manages to behead Mrs. Voorhees with a machete, by the lakeside. The night of horror is over. But man, there were a lot more to come.
12. Knocked Out Cold - "Jason X"
- The tenth "Friday The 13th" film saw Jason, who had long since stopped being any kind of "realistic" human threat, evolve into something akin to an indestructible zombie. A walking death machine of rotting flesh and exposed bones who couldn't die. He survives long after the extinction of Earth in the future and is brought aboard a spaceship, frozen in cryogenic stasis. Here he awakens on the dissection table and proves that, even though he's a zombie Popsicle, he's still a force to be reckoned with. He grabs the female scientist, forces her face into a freezing agent, and then smashes her face to bits on the counter next to her, leaving nothing but a gaping open hole and bits of frozen bone and blood. The future meets 80's slasher barbarism and it was totally cool. Err... no pun intended.
11. Jason Gets His Mask - "Friday The 13th Part 3-D"
- In retrospect its hard to believe that it took three movies, two actually involving Jason as an on-screen character, for Jason to finally get his trademark mask. After scaring our eventual victim, infamous "Friday The 13th" film prankster, the rotund and obnoxious Shelley, gets his throat slit. But not before scaring said victim by popping up on a nearby pier in a wet suit, brandishing a spear gun (yes, a real spear gun) and rocking the, you guessed it, trademark hockey mask. After meeting the dying Shelley and realizing that, for once, he wasn't joking, our victim Vera runs out the door only to be met with Jason, standing on the peer, pulling his trademark mask on, and leveling the poor girl with spear straight through the eye. Its an eye-popping moment (sorry), that helped cement Jason's now trademark look.
10. Twist And Shout - "Friday The 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter"
- "Friday The 13th Part 4" opens with Jason's "dead" body being carted off by police. The final girl from "Friday The 13th Part 3" moving on to horizons unknown. As the police opine, "He got 8 of them, but this time, they got him". We meet our morgue attendant, a sleazy asshole who's more interested in watching women gyrate in skimpy outfits in some very 80's aerobics video than he is at doing his job. After hitting on and pissing off his attending nurse, Dr. McPervert gets a rather rude awakening, as Jason revives from his supposed "death" (not the first time, won't be the last time) and makes liberal use of a bone saw to hack the "good" doctor's throat, before snapping the doctor's neck so hard, in the opposite direction, that it nearly twists all the way around. Who needs a morgue now?
9. This Time They Got Him - "Friday The 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter"
- According to legend, and Sean S. Cunningham himself, "Friday The 13th Part 4" was supposed to be the ending point of Jason Voorhees' now legendary murder spree. And the end of the franchise. But.. well... not quite. So far we've covered Jason's dirty work. This is the first (but not the last) time we're looking at the time somebody got him. And this time, Jason goes down at the hands of teenage Corey Feldman. Yeah, it was the 80's. And not even the invincible Jason Voorhees could escape the power of the two Corey's. This time, Jason goes on his typical backwoods rampage, murdering dozens of folks in assorted ways, until Corey f'n Feldman, disguised in a latex mask as a young Jason, manages to bring him down. Feldman hacks Jason's head with a machete, causing the titan of terror to fall face first on it. Sliding down, and impaling itself through his eye socket and embedding it deep into his brain, its pretty damn obvious that no human could survive that. Legendary blood and gore man and effects artist Tom Savini has stated that they wanted to decapitate Jason, but Sean Cunningham vetoed the idea. They wanted something more "original" for Jason's death. And hey, giving Jason a back door back to life could only be a coincidence, right?
8. Eat Your Heart Out - "Friday The 13th Part 6: Jason Lives"
- After a stay in a state institution for troubled youths, Tommy Jarvis aka Corey f'n Feldman, is all grown up. After dealing with an imposter Jason in "Friday The 13th 5: A New Beginning", Tommy wants to make sure the "real" Jason is as "dead" as everyone thinks he is. Heading to the cemetery with a buddy, Tommy begins digging and discovers the now bloated and rotting corpse of old hockey puss himself. Triggered by painful memories, Tommy attacks the body with a loose fence post as a lightning storm looms in the background. Before long, Tommy stabs the post through the heart of Jason's body, before a lightning bolt Frankensteins Jason back to life. Stunned, as Jason stands up, now more zombified monster than mere backwoods maniac, Tommy attempts to immolate Jason, but the arrival of more rain washes the gasoline away. Tommy's friend having more heart than brains runs at Jason, snapping a shovel across Jason's back. Jason turns now, in full-on Terminator mode and rips the still-beating heart from the body of Tommy's pal, before casually discarding his body into Jason's now unoccupied casket. That's just heartless, Jason.
7. Triple Header - "Friday The 13th Part 6: Jason Lives"
- "Jason Lives" is largely regarded as one of the franchise highlights, given its bigger budget, and focus on clever writing and comedy. And Jason's "triple header" kill is all about the chuckles. Upon his revival, Jason stalks through the woods, making his trek back to Crystal Lake and killing anyone dumb enough to wander into his way. During this, Jason stumbles upon a company paintball game, and decides to play. After dispatching an aggressive and sexist sore loser, Jason descends from a tree branch and decapitates 3 office drones with one swipe of his machete. Damn, that's efficient. Talk about cutting through the red tape.
6. I'd Bend Over Backwards For You - "Friday The 13th Part 6: Jason Lives"
- Toward the end of Jason's "Jason Lives" rampage, we find Jason back at his old stomping grounds in Crystal Lake. Tommy and his sort-of/sort of not girlfriend Megan are on the case, as is Megan's father and police sheriff. Taking matters into his own hands and wanting to protect his daughter and the lives of more potential victims, the Sheriff goes mano-a-mano with Jason. A first in the series. We've seen Jason stalk and hack victims to bits. We've seen "final girls" hide out and clobber him with logs and clubs. We've even seen 12-year old Corey Feldman psychologically manipulate the masked monster into giving him an opening to kill him permanently. But we've never seen a straight up fight against the beast. And the sheriff gives it his all. He blows Jason away with several shotgun blasts, and eventually settles into trying to beat his face in with a big rock. Jason however, is a super powered zombie killer now and that just won't work. He grabs the Sheriff and bends him over backwards at an impossible angle, snapping his back and killing him. Its a Hell of a kill and just shows that Jason is a force with or without a weapon.
5. Punch Out: Featuring Jason Voorhees - "Friday The 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan"
- The nadir of the "Friday The 13th" movie franchise sees one of its silliest but most memorable kills go down. After almost 80 minutes of Jason slashing and hacking a cruise ship full of annoying high school kids to little bits and pieces, the surviving crew lands in Ontario, Canada... err... I mean New York City. There, they split up, hoping to escape the waterlogged menace in the streets of New York. I don't know; New York in the 80's? I'd rather take my chances with the big guy with the machete. Upon finding himself on a rooftop (why? we never really find out) we get our big damn hero moment for Julius, one of the survivors of the S.S. Jason massacre at sea. Julius fancies himself a bit of a boxer and slugs it out with Jason, fighting him across the rooftop with a series of rights and lefts. Julius lets loose with a wicked right haymaker before telling the titan of terror to "Give me your best shot". Jason strikes, with poor form but great power, and knocks the kid's head clean off and into a dumpster in the alley below. Judges, to your score cards.
4. Your Bacon Is Cooked - "Friday The 13th Part 1"
- Back to "Friday The 13th Part 1" for this one as we look at a classic kill from the original movie. As we all know, Kevin Bacon was in "Friday Part 1" and here we get to see him, in post-coitus bliss, relaxing in bed. As his girl wanders off, Bacon lays his head back, a hand grabs his forehead and pulls it back and an arrowhead pops through his Adams Apple like a worm popping up through fresh dirt. Its a quick, painful, realistic, and down and dirty death that exemplifies what the old-school "Friday The 13th" movies were about. Blood, gore, and unexpected death from every angle.
3. The Big Sting - "Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday"
- "Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday" is a fairly divisive movie, and for good reason, but few people who've seen it can disagree that the opening section is one of the best double-switches in "Friday The 13th" film canon. As the movie starts, we're introduced to a nameless young lady, who does everything your typical "Friday The 13th" cannon fodder is "supposed" to do. She changes a broken light bulb, she strips naked and takes a shower. She's the pre-credits kill, or at least, that's the idea. As she starts to leave the cabin, Jason finally appears, in all of his hulking, zombie glory. He gives chase as cannon fodder chick runs, proving to be more crafty and clever than any pre-credits victim should be. And that's because, she's more than cannon fodder. She lures Jason, in a foot chase into a large clearing. As spotlights ignite and blind him, FBI agents and police pop up from camouflaged canopies that were lining the forest floor. They blow Jason to bits with a variety of small arms, shotguns, and assault rifle fire before bringing the Hell down on the beast with a mortar that blows Jason into chunky slasher villain salsa. Its an inglorious end for a legend, that occurs five minutes into the movie. "Jason Goes To Hell" isn't a great film, but the audacity of killing Jason 5 minutes in is just mind blowing. Its a silly, over-the-top answer to the question everyone always asks; "Why don't they just get some guns and blow him up?" And its too damn fun not to throw on this list.
2. "Only Through a Voorhees May He Be Born, and Only Through A Voorhees Can He Die" - "Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday"
- Back for one more from "Jason Goes To Hell". Upon discovering Jason's hereto unknown power to transfer his being into different bodies, Jason manages to thwart death once again. Never mind the whole "Jason's body is a smoldering pile of bones, muscle, and ashes on a dissection table" thing, a good slasher never stays down long. Instead, Jason uses some kind of mystical mumbo jumbo to turn himself back into the old Jason we all know and love. Its during this that bounty hunter Creighton Duke tells a local Crystal Lake diner employee that she's secretly Jason's sister. And only she can kill him, and only using a certain magical mystery dagger, saying that "only through a Voorhees may he be born, and only through a Voorhees can he die". Eventually, after some more escalating insanity that blatantly throws every bit of "Friday The 13th" canon out the window, we see Steve, Jessica's boyfriend, engage Jason in combat straight out of a WWF hardcore match. They fight in a small playground and Steve tries to escape Jason by climbing a jungle gym, he hits Jason with a shovel. Eventually, Steve manages to stab the dagger into Jason's chest as Jessica kicks it in for the final death blow. Jason explodes in a magical light show complete with oversized puppet "demon" hands that wouldn't look out of place in a goofy ass piece of 80's cheese like "The Gate". Of course, that's not what we're here for. As the film winds down in its final moments, Jason's mask is facing up out of the dirt. A clawed hand explodes from the ground and pulls it under as we hear Freddy Krueger's trademark laugh.
1. Jason Conquers The 80's - "Freddy vs. Jason"
- Sure, "Freddy vs. Jason" isn't technically a "Friday The 13th" movie. But, it follows the series canon a lot more than "Jason Goes To Hell". Its a fantastic end to Jason's original legacy (who knows if they'll continue with a franchise based on the 2009 remake or reboot it all and start over fresh) as we finally get our battle of the slasher titans. Through 17 different drafts, multiple writing teams, and different directors, we finally get to see Jason throw down with old crispy himself, Freddy Krueger. It took moving virtual mountains to get to this point and it was worth it. After introducing Jason to his nightmares in the dream world, Jason and Freddy throw down in the real world, battling through a construction yard near Crystal Lake. Freddy is a surprisingly agile fighter for being an elderly burn victim, as he manages to take the advantage on Jason, as their battle heads out onto a long pier in the lake, Freddy plunges his claw deep into Jason's kidney and even stabs Jason violently in the eyes. Jason is however, able to "disarm" Freddy, by chopping his clawed arm off. Jason falls off the pier into the water, as Freddy menaces the human survivors with Jason's very own machete. As all hope looks lost, Jason emerges from the water, impaling Freddy with Freddy's own finger clawed arm and flinging both monsters into the waters of Crystal Lake. The next morning, as the mist rises, Jason emerges holding Freddy's severed head. Sure, Freddy turns and winks at the camera, but Jason won. Freddy's head might be alive, but his body is rotting at the bottom of the lake. Jason conquers Freddy. Jason lives. Jason wins.
- In all, there are many, many legendary kills in the "Friday The 13th" canon. Jason has killed more teenagers than drunk driving and the draft. He's stabbed, hacked, and bludgeoned his way to infamy and has been the central villain in some of the best slasher films ever made. And the creatively violent ways he's dispatched his victims (and been dispatched himself) have made him a legend. Happy, Friday The 13th! Happy Halloween Havok! Stay safe, and stay the Hell away from Camp Crystal Lake.
Ka-ka-ka chi-chi-ci ka-ka-ka chi-chi-chi....
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