It’s worth noting that The Miz and Morrison had just won the WWE Tag Team Championship leading into this event. Punk has to fend off a double team attack in the early going. Punk tosses both opponents to ringside for a suicide dive! Miz blocks Punk’s springboard attempt on Morrison. Double suplex by Miz and Morrison! It doesn’t take long for Miz to stab Morrison in the back, pushing off the ropes to the floor. Morrison interrupts a Miz chinlock, delivering a slingshot drop-kick. Backbreaker/neck breaker combo by Morrison almost puts Punk away. Punk breaks out of a sleeper with some hard kicks, but gets tossed to Miz, who drops Punk back-first on the concrete. Miz and Morrison trade near falls. Morrison debuts Starship Pain but Punk breaks the cover attempt. Top rope hurricanrana by Punk sends Morrison into a Miz power bomb! Double underhook backbreaker on Miz by Punk! Miz accidentally knocks Morrison off the apron, leaving Punk to deliver Go To Sleep for the win at 7:58. Fine opener that didn’t expose the limitations of the challengers, good victory for Punk, **¼. Winner and still ECW Champion: CM Punk
-We take a look at MVP beating up his tag partner, Matt Hardy, after dropping the tag titles. MVP viciously targeted Hardy’s knee, effectively writing Hardy off television for a few months.
-Some random diva interviewer talks to MVP. She asks for an explanation for what he did to Matt Hardy. MVP promises that Hardy won’t be competing tonight, due to not being able to walk without a crutch. Hell, Hardy has relied on crutches his entire career, whether it be Jeff Hardy or your’s truly. MVP poses with the U.S. title and tries to get his own name over as a catchphrase.
WWE Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix, Layla, Jillian Hall, Victoria, and Melina vs. Torrie Wilson, Michelle McCool, Kelly Kelly, Maria, and Mickie James
Poor Melina slips during her split entrance, but she laughs it off and tries again successfully. Honestly, I’m stunned that Torrie Wilson was still employed at this time. Victoria and McCool kick things off. Michelle suffers a wardrobe malfunction, which the DVD failed to censor. Torrie tags in and eats a sidewalk slam. Layla tags herself in and Torrie hits an awful suplex for 2. Kelly squares off with Jillian. Maria and Beth tag in. Beth takes control, isolating Maria in the heel corner. Melina gets crotched in the ropes, allowing for a hot tag to Mickie James. Mickie plants a kiss on Melina’s lips and delivers the Mick Kick for the win at 4:42. Sloppy and overcrowded, as you might expect. I’m surprised they couldn’t toss six more minutes into this and just make it an elimination match, *. Winners: Mickie James, Torrie Wilson, Kelly Kelly, Michelle McCool, and Maria
-Jonathan Coachmen and William Regal are hanging out backstage with Hornswoggle. Coach and Regal are amused because Hornswoggle is being forced to face The Great Khali later tonight. Whoo hoo!
-WWE Champion Randy Orton senses excitement in the air. Unfortunately, everyone is going to be disappointed when he beats Shawn Michaels.
-Shawn Michaels says that over the past six months, Randy Orton has made his life a living hell. He’s going to repay the favor by taking the WWE Championship.
Yeah, it feels like the tag team division in WWE has been in shambles forever. Because it has. Cody starts off against Cade. Cody is a blue chipper and only knows how to throw an impressive drop-kick and other basic moves. Cade shows him how it’s done with a backbreaker. Murdoch tags and continues to pound away on young Cody. Holly tags and has little patience for Murdoch. Cade tags but Holly hoists him up for a suspicious kick between the legs. Murdoch makes a blind tag and boots Holly in the face. Holly is in trouble, as Cade and Murdoch make frequent tags and double team him. Holly dodges a double finisher and makes the hot tag to Cody. It’s unfortunate that the rookie has to clean house, but he does okay for himself. Sadly, Murdoch nails a somersault power bomb of sorts for the win at 7:18. The match was completely by the numbers, would have been right at home at any given house show, *¾. Winners and still World Tag Team Champions: Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch
-Holly and Rhodes tease dissension after their loss. Holly lets Cody know that they’re cool with a shoulder slap. How nice.
-Triple H’s team is at a disadvantage because Matt Hardy is injured. Todd Grisham interviews the unhappy team. Jeff Hardy says that all MVP has done is light a fire under them. Rey Mysterio adds that he’s right at home being the underdog. Kane butts in, telling Rey that he’s never an underdog. The great thing about Survivor Series is they don’t have to get along. Kane points out that Triple H once accused him of being a murderer who had sex with his dead girlfriend. That reminds Jeff that he was once put in the hospital by Triple H. “My bad, sorry,” says HHH, to a nice laugh from the crowd. Triple H says that Survivor Series is the one night a year when guys who have done terrible things to each other can get along so they can do terrible things to someone else. “Now let’s go do something terrible.” Fantastic segment.
Classic Survivor Series match:
Mr. Kennedy, Finlay, Big Daddy V (with Matt Striker), United States Champion MVP, and Umaga vs. Kane, Rey Mysterio, Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy, and Triple H
Rey starts against Kennedy. The one-man-Botchamania-highlight-reel known as Mr. Kennedy is almost put away with a modified power bomb. Hardy tags in. Kennedy blocks the Twist of Fate and plants Jeff for 2. MVP tags and pounds away on his enemy’s brother. Big Daddy V joins the match and continues the dominance. Kane tags in and walks into a belly to belly suplex! Kane fights back and dispatches an interfering MVP and Finlay. BDV dishes out a Samoan Drop and elbow drop on Kane to eliminate him at 5:28. Triple H charges in and dishes out a knee lift. BDV misses a falling head butt and makes a needed tag to Umaga. Umaga delivers a suplex and a successful falling head butt. Umaga misses another head butt off the ropes. Rey gets a hot tag but Umaga cuts off his momentum. Rey dodges a splash and uses his speed to his advantage. 619 and the springboard ring board gains a close near fall. Umaga catches Rey in mid-air and plants him. The Samoan Spike eliminates Rey at 9:18. Triple H and Jeff take a moment to size up their opponents, but Kennedy tags himself in and pummels away at Jeff. Hardy misses a swinging leg drop when MVP pulls Kennedy out of the way. Jeff is trapped in heel territory as the bad guys make quick tags. Hardy surprises MVP with the Twist of Fate to eliminate him at 12:50. Kennedy rushes in but Triple H gains a hot tag. Big Daddy V tries to make a save but elbow drops Kennedy by mistake. HHH eliminates Kennedy at 14:24. BDV drags HHH to ringside, Hardy dives into his arms only to be driven into the ring post. BDV misses a corner splash on both opponents and eats a double DDT. Triple H pins Big Daddy V at 15:28. Finlay rushes in and goes to work on HHH. Finlay flies into Triple H’s boot, allowing a tag to Jeff. Hardy is mounting a comeback when Umaga catches him off guard with a super kick. Finlay continues targeting Hardy’s head. Jeff strikes back with the Whisper of the Wind. Triple H gets a needed tag and cleans house. Umaga saves Finlay from a Pedigree. Unfortunately, HHH tries again and puts Finlay away at 21:18. A desperate Umaga charges in and makes too many mistakes. The Pedigree from Triple H and the Swanton Bomb from Hardy finishes Umaga at 22:09. This was a crowd pleasing contest, it played out pretty much exactly as one would imagine it would, ***. Survivors: Triple H and Jeff Hardy
-William Regal and Coach offer Hornswoggle a seat on their couch, but he’d rather continue pacing. Mr. McMahon enters and Hornswoggle clings to his legs. Vince says it’s time that he and his “son” have a little talk. Vince wants to explain why he’s making Hornswoggle wrestle The Great Khali tonight. Some say it’s because he wants to see a train wreck, some say he’s ashamed, and others say he wants to see his son hurt. Vince clears it up, saying he made the match because Hornswoggle is a McMahon and McMahons always rise to the occasion. This seems to cheer Hornswoggle up. I still don’t want to see the match.
-Shane McMahon makes a surprise appearance in the arena. Shane is here to introduce his father, Vincent Kennedy McMahon. It’s also Shane’s great honor to introduce his little brother, Hornswoggle McMahon. You see, “McMahons stick together” and you need no better proof. The Great Khali and Ranjin Singh make their entrance as well. Singh reminds us that this is an official WWE match so he forces the referee to review the rules. Singh adds that even he is a giant compared to Hornswoggle. Meanwhile, the fans chant “We want Shaq” since Shaq is sitting at ringside with his family. Shaq starts playing to the crowd off camera, and that excites the fans more than anything taking place in the ring. Vince goes with it and tells the crowd that he “doesn’t give a damn what you want.” Well, that’s been pretty obvious over the years, Vinnie.
Hornswoggle McMahon (with Mr. McMahon and Shane McMahon) vs. The Great Khali (with Ranjin Singh)
I’d be shocked if this amounted to anything more than a waste of perfectly good pay-per-view air time. Hornswoggle tosses his jacket to the side and lands a harmless kick. The lil’ guy knocks Ranjin Singh off, spits green mist in his face, and delivers a Lou Thesz press. Khali chases Hornswoggle under the ring. Hornswoggle returns with a shillelagh and swings it wildly. Khali rips the weapon from his hands and slaps across the face. Khali prepares to crush the skull when Finlay runs in for the save, drawing a DQ at 3:16. Finlay’s face turn saved this from being completely pointless, but it’s still a DUD. Winner via DQ: The Great Khali
-Finlay delivers a low blow to Khali and helps Hornswoggle back up. The two Irish men depart together, leaving Vince and Shane wondering what just happened.
HBK is banned from using Sweet Chin Music in this match. Orton charges into a neck vise. HBK twists Orton into a pin attempt. Orton tries to break the hold with a slam, but Michaels holds on. Finally, Orton forces a break in the corner and unloads his frustration. Michaels teases SCM but tackles instead. HBK applies a chinlock with a body scissors. HBK transitions into a front chancery. Orton retreats to ringside to regroup. Michaels teases a dive and tricks Orton with a springboard moonsault. Orton rolls through a flying cross body and scores with an uppercut. Michaels applies a sharpshooter! Randy scratches and claws for the rope break. Orton thumbs the eye and hangs Michaels on the ropes. Orton delivers the DDT off the ropes. Orton returns the favor with a chinlock/body scissors combo of his own. Michaels fights out and builds some momentum. Orton cuts it off with a standing drop-kick. HBK blocks another drop-kick and serves some power slams. Flying elbow drop! HBK tunes up the band but Orton ducks. Michaels applies a crossface (which was somewhat scandalous as this was only a few months after the Benoit tragedy). Orton retaliates with a hard clothesline. Inverted backbreaker! Orton signals the RKO but decides he’d rather deliver a punt of death. HBK blocks and applies an ankle lock! Orton counters and nails the RKO for the victory at 17:48! HBK had to stop himself from hitting SCM and made himself an easy target. Good, sudden, and surprisingly clean finish for Orton. Michaels trying to find other ways to win made for a good story too, ***¾. Winner and still WWE Champion: Randy Orton
-Orton has hate in his eyes as he slides back into the ring. Orton props Michaels up in the corner and screams for him to admit that Orton is the better man. Orton turns his back for a moment and gets blindsided with Sweet Chin Music! I suppose it’s okay now that the match is over. I guess Michaels just had to get his heat back.
-The program is interrupted by the cryptic “Save_Us” video. The mystery will be revealed tomorrow night on Raw.
They kick things off with a basic back and forth contest. Batista blocks a choke slam but runs into a clothesline. I guess this sort of match is more epic with the cell serving as a backdrop. Undertaker grabs a chair but Batista nails a spear. Taker kicks the chair into Batista’s head and nails yet another clothesline. Batista blocks a triangle choke and the fight spills to ringside. Undertaker smashes Batista’s face into the cell wall. Undertaker wraps Batista up in the chair and drives him into the ring steps. Batista is bleeding from the mouth now but still manages to counter Old School with a spinebuster. Batista builds some momentum with his standard offense. The fight heads back to ringside, where Undertaker is sent crashing into the steel wall. Undertaker counters, whipping Batista into the ring steps. Taker hoists Batista on his shoulders and drives him head-first into the cage. Undertaker has busted Batista open and tries to put him away. Batista counters Old School again and nails a superplex. Undertaker surprises with the triangle choke. Batista gets a rope break, despite this being Satan’s playground, but eats a weird looking dive from the Dead Man. Batista blocks a shot from the steps and drives them into Undertaker’s head. Undertaker counters with the Last Ride! Choke slam by Undertaker, but Batista still kicks out. Spinebuster by Batista gets 2. Batista delivers a power bomb through a table! Undertaker counters another attempt, back dropping Batista onto the ring steps. Tombstone Piledriver! The crowd is really eating up all these near falls. Undertaker delivers a second Tombstone onto the steps! Suddenly, Edge appears and prevents the referee from counting to 3. Edge nails Undertaker in the head with the video camera. Edge cracks Undertaker’s head with a chair against the steps. Edge drags Batista onto Undertaker, giving him the victory at 21:25. They worked SO hard but this just wasn’t clicking and the crowd was pretty dead until the crazy near falls. Edge ruined the big blow-off conclusion, but kicked off a feud that would last for almost a year with Undertaker. Overall, a ***¼ outing. Winner and still World Heavyweight Champion: Batista
-The cell is lifted but Edge isn’t finished. He cracks Undertaker with the chair yet again.
Final Thoughts: It’s middle of the road shows like this one that really frustrate me. It’s not “Must See” nor was it so bad that I could enjoy ridiculing it for three hours. Business would pick up the next night when Chris Jericho returned, so this event was quickly forgotten. Thumbs in the middle.