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WWF Superstars - March 16, 1996
by Scrooge McSuck
- Vince McMahon, Jim Ross, and Mr. Perfect are calling all the action, and Vince can't help himself but to get down to the music of the performers of the opening match. We're going to take a look back to Monday Night Raw, where we saw some rumblings between the Undertaker and Diesel, and Goldust and INTERIM President of the WWF, Roddy Piper. Before we get to all that, let's head to ringside for...
Tag Title Tournament: The Bushwhackers vs. The Body Donnas (w/ Sunny):
(Butch & Luke vs. Skip & Zip)
Come on, how many times must I sit through a WWF broadcast that features the Bushwhackers? Did Vince honestly think this was the greatest team ever assembled, or something? The Bushwhackers seem to be wearing Outback Jack's left over hats, are carrying boomerangs, and have brand new ring attire, too. They still suck, but at least they changed it up a little bit. The Body Donnas attack during Sunny's incoherent rambling, and it's all downhill from here. The Bushwhackers mount their comeback and nail both men with clotheslines. Butch manages to fend off the double team attempts, and works over Skip. Luke tags in and continues to do some more work on the arm. Zip trips Luke up from the outside, and Skip nails him with a knee. Seriously, his name is ZIP. That's the best they can do for Tom Prichard, telling him to look like Chris Candido and call himself Zip. I guess Flip Wilson owns a copyright on the first name Flip, or something. ZIP with a back breaker, but he misses a series of elbows. Butch gets the warm tag and takes everyone out with clotheslines. The Battering Ram hits, but Zip comes off the top with a headbutt to the back of Butch, and THAT is enough for the Body Donnas victory at 3:55. At least it was short, but I hate those kinds of finishes.
- Flashback to Monday Night Raw... INTERIM President Roddy Piper is rambling nonsense until being interrupted by the bizarre one, Goldust. You see, Goldust's program partner, Razor Ramon, was "suspended", and they needed something, so they had him go out there and flirt with Roddy Piper, until Piper's homophobia gets the best of him. Piper then threatens to make a man out of Goldust, because being different makes you less of a man, or something. This lead to that awful Hollywood Backlot Brawl at WrestleMania XII.
Duke "The Dumpster" Droese vs. Wild Bill Irwin:
I love matches with familiar JTTS', and I'm surprised the WWF actually used Bill Irwin as his normal persona, other than as "The Goon." For those unfamiliar, that's the gimmick where Irwin pretended to be a Hockey player who was so rough, he was banned from all organized hockey leagues. Impossible, says I... you know how many hockey leagues there are in the world? Irwin tries whipping Droese before the bell, but Droese sweeps the legs and pounds away. Whip to the corner, and Irwin with a knee to the midsection. Ross and Perfect actually refer to Irwin as a ring veteran, but don't go into much detail. Droese takes Irwin down with a clothesline, and slaps on a chinlock. Criss-cross, and Irwin nails Droese with a bicycle kick. Irwin with a slam, followed by a second rope headbutt for a two count. Droese counters a suplex with one of his own, then whips Irwin hard into the corner, forcing Irwin to spill out of the ring. Droese grabs his trash can and bashes Irwin with it behind the referee's back! He's hardcore! He's hardcore! Back in the ring, and Droese calls for the end. Irish whip, and Droese with the side suplex for a three count at 3:30. It would've been interesting of Droese kept hitting opponents with his can, but he was released/quit not too long after this for whatever reasons.
- WrestleMania XII Hype Video for Shawn vs. Bret and the Iron Man Match. It's the training videos where Shawn Michaels is doing a whole lot of running around and actual wrestling, and Bret Hart lightly jogging through ice and snow, and swimming like it's time for the elderly to do their underwater aerobics. Honestly, if ANYONE thought Bret was walking away Champion, they had to be either stupid or high.
- We get an introduction vignette featuring Mankind. I don't know for sure, but I think the whole story of him was that he was some childhood prodigy pianist, but his parents weren't satisfied with him and threw him into the sewers... I don't know, maybe someone thought Batman Returns was a new movie and people would get it. Thank goodness that whole thing was dropped and he was just portrayed as some weird fucking dude, instead.
Aldo Montoya vs. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin (w/ Ted Dibiase):
Austin had recently dropped the idioic "Ringmaster" name and has decided to go with "Stone Cold", instead. You'd think someone called the Ringmaster would be all heavily into the circus or something, but nope, just a lame nickname with no meaning. Kind of like "Stone Cold". He didn't really develope a personality with it until around the time of King of the Ring, and really didn't start turning the heat up until the Fall (Editor's Note: weird coincidence, but this episode is actually airing on... 3/16. Dun dun dunnnn!)
. Jim Ross drops that lame "blue chipper" term in regards of Austin. Lockup, and Montoya works a hammerlock. Austin escapes with a back elbow,then pounds away across the neck. Irish whip, and Montoya with a cross body for a one count. Montoya with an arm drag, then to the armbar. Austin takes control and takes Montoya over with a suplex, followed by a snapmare and knee drop for a two count. Montoya mounts a comeback, but Austin plants him with a front drop suplex. Austin slaps on the Million Dollar Dream, and Montoya is on his way to Dreamland along with Mr. Sandman at 3:05. Austin clamps the hold on even more afterwards, because he's "Stone Cold". Suddenly, Savio Vega hits the ring to make the save, but Austin isn't going to allow Savio to cheap shot him. Are you ready for WrestleMania XII?!?
- The 1996 Slammy Awards are coming! Vote for this weeks categories: The WWF's Greatest Hits: Double J Smashes Ahmed with a guitar, Diesel Throws Bret through a table, Yokozuna's Double Banzai on two scrubs, Hunter Ducks Trashcan shot, and let's a jobber take the blow, or 'Taker Takes Diesel through the ring! ... Crime of the Century: 1-2-3 Fast Count against Razor Ramon, Sid Powerbombs Shawn the night after Wrestlemania, Vader Splashes Gorilla Monsoon, Diesel Jackknifes Bret after their match, or Owen takes credit for Shawn's collapse.
- Last Monday on Monday Night Raw. Yokozuna was taking on Owen Hart and the British Bulldog, but it didn't take long for Vader, Ahmed Johnson, and Jake Roberts to make their way to the ring for some shenanigans. Don't forget, there's going to be a big Six-Man Tag taking place at WrestleMania XII pitting the team of Yoko, Ahmed, and Roberts against the team of Camp Cornette. We get a promo courtesy of the "World Tour de Force" from the mismatched tag team, which includes lengthy talk from Yokozuna. Yeah, he sounds incredibly non-Japanese.
Isaac Yankem D.D.S. vs. Al Walker:
Squash match, time. Walker isn't too badly built for a scrub, but I don't recognize him from anywhere else. He's almost like a poor man's Harlem Heat member, if you squint your eyes and slam your head into a wall to make yourself really dizzy. Yankem pounds away to start, but misses a big boot. Walker with a crummy cross body for a quick two count. Yankem counters a headlock with a back suplex, and hey look, it's MR. Bob Backlund wandering around the crowd. Yankem lays out Walker with a clothesline, then works him over in the corner. Walker's tights say "Master Ace." Yankem to the top, and he comes flying off with a clothesline across the back. Yankem plants Walker with the DDS (DDT cleverly renamed) and it's over just like that at 2:05. Yankem was just a JTTS at this point, so having him do a squash match meant very little.
- Last week on Monday Night Raw, Diesel attacked Paul Bearer, pissing off the Undertaker even more. Yeah, that's going to be a great idea in the long run.
- He's coming back... THE ULLLLLLLLLLTIMATE WARRIOR!
Bob "Spark Plugg" Holly vs. Hunter Hearst Helmsley:
Can't say that Helmsley didn't work his way from the bottom. For all of 1996, he seemed to be featured a lot on Superstars, a show hardly anyone followed anymore, and he was on the losing end of matches quite a bit once the MSG Kliq incident went down. Helmsley is scheduled to face the returning Ultimate Warrior at WrestleMania XII. That could be a decent match, with enough time to develope anything. Some ugly chick that looks like Jo from Facts of Life, before puberty, is sporting a Helmsley sweater... what a loser. Lockup into the corner, and they exchange bitch slaps. Holly takes Helmsley down with a hip toss, followed by a slam. Helmsley with a mule kick and snapmare, and Holly returns the favor with a mule kick of his own. Holly takes Helmsley down with a clothesline and covers for two. Holly with a back slide for another two count. Helmsley side-steps a charge, sending Holly flying over the top rope. Helmsley to the top rope, and comes down with a sledge for a two count. Whip to the corner, with authority. Slugfest time until Holly runs into a knee. Helmsley to the top, and he comes off with another sledge. Holly with a double leg sweep and slingshot to the corner. Holly with rights, followed by a back elbow, and his signature dropkick for a two count. Irish whip, and Holly with a sloppy Frankensteiner for another two count. Hunter counters a whip to the corner with a knee lift, and the Pedigree ends things at 4:35. Surprisingly energetic and fun.
- The Milton Bradley Karate Fighters Slam of the Week... the finish to the tag team match earlier in the broadcast. What a sucky week.
- Jim Ross has news for Sunny and her Body Donnas. Savio Vega will remain in the Tag Tournament, despite his partner being suspended. Every superstars name will be thrown into a random drawing, and whoever that is will be Savio's partner for the match against the Body Donnas. I wonder who it's going to be...
Final Thoughts: There's nothing here to blow you away, and Superstars no longer hosted much in terms of advancing any of the storylines, but this particular episode featured a lot of names, even if it's all undercard bottom feeders. Monday Night Raw was the show where all the major stuff happened, and it usually excluded the majority of the undercard, because honestly, no one cares about Bob Holly, Aldo Montoya, or the Bushwhackers, but it's still nice to see something different. I remember from this time, Yokozuna being in the Raw main event EVERY WEEK, and Nitro kicking major ass. Point of the story: Appreciate the undercard.
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