- Your hosts are, as usual, Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. Gorilla informs us that all of the matches on this program will be coming from a card held at the Maple Leaf Gardens in Toronto, Ontario, Canada on September 28th, 1986. I guess we can expect a couple of Moondog matches and maybe one match worth a damn, since they butcher all of the good matches out of those shows for PrimeTime and air all the undercard junk.
1. Barry O vs. Frankie Lane:
Damn, now I'm wishing there was a Moondog involved. I don't even know who's supposed to be the heel or the face. I've never heard of Frankie Lane, and Barry O was about as low on the Jobber food chain as you could get... and I think he's the cousin of Bob Orton Jr., or at least somehow related. Barry O has some tights that would no doubt inspire some of Marty Jannetty's goofy tights from 1992-93, and Lane has the discount jobber stuff on. Yes, I'm more interested in the fashion of the wrestlers instead of the garbage they're doing in the ring. Lots of basic wrestling holds traded, with no one getting any kind of clear advantage. The finish comes with Barry O catching Lane off the ropes with a side suplex for the three count at 5:58. This might be the only time I've ever seen Barry O win a match, no matter who his opponent was. I guess I should be glad that they kept this one short, but this also means some other matches are going to be mind-numbingly long and boring... please God, don't let any of them include Jose Luis Rivera, a Moondog, or Mr. X. PLEASE!
- Gorilla Monsoon kind of insults Barry O, saying this might be Barry's first win on PrimeTime Wrestling, and if his claim to fame is going to be a victory over Frankie Lane, I'm sure everyone else can fill in the pieces... as long as it's nothing dirty. This is 1986, remember.
2. Sivi Afi vs. Iron Mike Sharpe:
Before we get to the ring, Bobby Heenan calls Sivi Afi "Alfalfa." Iron Mike Sharpe is sure to remind us he is Canada's Greatest Athlete... or more likely, Canada's Slowest Healing Citizen. Even Bob Orton's arm healed up within a 15 year period. Sivi Afi is nothing more than a (very) poor Jimmy Snuka clone, and the fans weren't dumb enough to fall for it. I guess no one learned this when they tried to create new Diesel and Razor Ramon nearly a decade later, and expect fans to get into it. Correction on Sharpe: he's Canada's Loudest Athlete. The guy screams after everything, and must've been the inspiration of Lex Luger when it comes to selling. Correction on Sharpe again: He's Canada's Worst Athlete. I can't think of one match of his that was any good, and he was around the WWF for well over a decade, working live event cards and getting squashed on the weekends over and over. The ol' fast forward button gets reaquainted with my indez fingers until I get to the finish... the match just never ends, and at the 8-minute mark, we go to a commercial break! FINALLY, the bell rings at 15:53, which makes it a Time Limit Draw... yes, Sivi Afi vs. Iron Mike Sharpe got 16-minutes, and neither guy was allowed to go over. That's low on so many levels. At least give one of them the "winner's purse" for once.
- Bobby Heenan recieves a special package at the studio desk. The shipping charge is $2.90, and he gives the man $3, and tells him to keep the change. At least this was more realistic than WrestleMania IV, where Heenan gave the delivery guy an actual tip.
- Ken Resnick with a special Interview from... The Honkytonk Man, back when he was a babyface! This is certainly a rarity. It's just so unusual to see the Honkytonk Man talk like a babyface. No wonder he didn't get over until he turned heel and started to be a major delusional dickhead. He insults Bobby Heenan, which is a sure sign that he's working as a babyface. Worst, Honky Interview, Ever.
3. Jose-Luis Rivera vs. Mr. X:
Oh God, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I guess I should be thankful they're wasting these two guys with one match, and it's Joined in Progress to boot. The last time I said that, a JIP match with Mr. X lasted nearly 10-minutes, so I don't know how the editing of this match is, but with Mr. X in control, I can assume it's more than 30% over. I'm assuming that since the usual match has a babyface dominate for a couple of minutes, the heel cheat for 5-6, then the face makes the big comeback en route to the finish. Another match deserving of this special button on my remote... and I skip right over the finish, which sees Rivera coming off the top rope with a missile dropkick for the three count at 3:03. Rivera wins a match! Rivera wins a match! Rivera wins a match!
4. Jerry Allen vs. Tiger Chung Lee:
What is with all these Battles of the JTTS Crew? Chung Lee got a push for about a week in 1984 before he made everyone realize how much he sucked, and Jerry Allen was the Jim Powers of these days. He'd get matches on most live event cards, but was still squashed like a bug on most weekend syndicated broadcasts. Another match that's Joined in Progress. And the crowd is boo'ing already. Tiger dominates for most of the match, but as he attempts to slam Allen back into the ring, Allen cradles him, and that's good enough for the surprise three count at 4:46. It's times like these that I'm thankful for some of the stuff done in 1995. At least you didn't see scum like this on house shows anymore.
5. Paul Roma vs. Terry Gibbs:
Heenan compares Paul Roma to a half-a-bar of soap (with a detailed explanation), and I notice that the package Bobby Heenan recieved earlier in the broadcast is shaking, as if there's something inside of it (please don't let it be a Weasel pun at the end). Yes, Paul Roma was actually around back then too, but this was before the formation of the Young Stallions, and before he got any kind of push on television. He was basically just another scrub, you could say. Roma controls with what appears to be a 4-minute long headlock. Have I ever mentioned it's not a surprise most current fans can't get into this stuff, because of how badly it aged? Oh, while I was making that comment, and after a series of two counts, Paul Roma rolled up Terry Gibbs for the three count at 9:08, after Gibbs attempted to cheat by pulling on the tights. That's three in a row that a babyface scrub has won a match... against a fellow scrub, except one that's a heel.
- Ken Resnick with another Special Interview... The Wizard (a.k.a King Iaukea or whatever his name was), a.k.a the most annoying, loudest moron in the history of promo cutting. He's the controller of Kamala and Sika, one of the most unusual tag teams of the time, other than Greg Valentine and Brutus Beefcake. There's more to come later in the show!
6. Mike Rotundo vs. The Iron Sheik (w/ Nikolai Volkoff & Slick):
I hate the Iron Sheik, but at least this match features two guys that are "names", even if Rotundo was a bit lower on the card ever since Barry Windham ditched in the latter part of 1985 and was forced to tag up with Danny Spivey. Poor bastard. No wonder he went on to become an evil tax man. Sheik still does his "hawk-ptooh", except he replaces "USA" with "Canada." Rotundo brings an american flag to ringside... in Canada, and still gets a face reaction. Sheik nails him with his flag pole before the bell, and it takes Volkoff a few years to get down to the ringside area. Rotundo does his best to have an exciting match before going into a front facelock, and from there, it's all Sheik. He applies the Camel Clutch, but Rotundo manages to make it to the ropes. Rotundo mounts the big comeback, but Volkoff comes in behind the refere's back to nail Rotundo... but it only gets a two count?! This time the heel cheating tactics doesn't work when it comes into play, as Rotundo covers Shiek for the three count at 7:16 following a cane shot by Slick. Rotundo wins! Rotundo wins! Rotundo wins! Shiek and Volkoff argue before laying a beat down on Rotundo.
- Bobby Heenan is still trying to open his box, but seems to be having a little problem with the cardboard aspect of it.
7. Pedro Morales vs. Hercules Hernandez (w/ Slick):
Blech... this match is going to suck. Thank God it's Joined in Progress, because in its entirety, it would be even worse (if that's humanly possible). Hercules still goes by his full name, still has an afro, and is still managed by Slick (the first time). I never understood why Pedro Morales kept hanging around, despite being on the losing end of matches against someone higher on the card than "Jobber" status. You'd think a former Champion of All Titles™ would be used a bit more prominantly than that. Hercules ends up winning with a suplex at 3:40... despite the three count not being made, and Morales having his foot on the bottom rope. Man, this referee frickin' sucked. Oh wait, the three WAS made, but his hand didn't even make a noise against the canvas. Still, this referee sucked.
- Heenan has the package ripped to shreds, and complains about having a paper cut. Gorilla Monsoon produces a pair of scissors from his jacket, and offers them to Heenan as long as he opens the box. Funny guy.
8. WWF Intercontinental Title: "Macho Man" Randy Savage © (w/ Elizabeth) vs. George "The Animal" Steele:
The run of torturously bad matches... continues, because Steele, like most of the people featured on this show, has never had a good match that I can remember seeing. At this point, Savage and Steele must've wrestled 100 times in 1986, and yup, all of those matches sucked too, despite Savage being in the peak of his career around this point. Wrap your head around that one for a while. As usual, Elizabeth is looking really hot here. It must be the sparkling dresses or poofy 80's hair... or her legs. Savage nails Steele from behind to start while Steele is distracted by Elizabeth (and rightfully so), but that offense outburst doesn't last too long. If you've seen one match between these two, you've seen 'em all... and just as fast as it started, it ends, with Steele being Disqualified at 4:33 for nailing the referee, no doubt frustrated by his one-sided officiating. I guess Savage is smarter than everyone thought... he out-smarted George Steele! After the match, Steele continues beating on Savage, and throws him back into the ring, only for Savage to run back out.
- Bobby Heenan FINALLY produces what was in the box sent to him by LJN Figures... well, his assitant sent him a box of LJN Figures, that is, but not before he's taken the time to remove his coat and get himself something to drink. He's exhausted, you see... and the LJN dolls are finally revealed: Hillbilly Jim, Hulk Hogan, Andre The Giant, Greg Valentine, Brutus Beefcake, Paul Orndorff, a GIANT Hulk Hogan doll, and FINALLY, a special note... all the Bobby Heenan dolls are sold out. NOOOOOOOOOOO! Monsoon is having a ball the whole time, as the pile of crumpled newspapers grows higher and higher on the studio desk until you can barely see him.