WWE No Way Out
by Samoa Rowe
February 20th 2005
-From Pittsburgh, PA. Our hosts are Michael Cole and Tazz.
WWE Tag Team Championship:
The continually unover Basham Brothers somehow weaseled their way into a second reign with the tag straps, but it comes crashing down tonight. Eddie starts against Danny and completely outwrestles him. Rey delivers some quick offense, Danny corners him for a tag. The Bashams attempt an early isolation, but Mysterio counters with a fancy arm drag. Eddie scores a hurricanrana, but ends up getting isolated. They have a timing issue where Eddie should have made a tag due to a slow Doug Basham. Eddie dodges a flying head butt and Rey gets a hot tag. The Bashams make the switcheroo and surprise Rey with a hard clothesline to make him the new Face in Peril. Eddie ties two tag ropes together for an advantage, but he’s caught cheating, and Rey suffers for it. The Bashams toss Rey into the air for a hard landing, but it leads to a Mysterio comeback. Eddie gets the hot tag and plows through the Bashams. Eddie’s momentum is cut off with a double spinebuster, but Rey drop-kicks Eddie into a roll-up for a near fall. Rey talks Eddie out of using a belt for a weapon while the Bashams make another switcheroo. Eddie rolls through a Frog Splash attempt but plays dead to lure Doug into an inside cradle near fall. Eddie and Rey arrange for the referee to take a tag belt away and miss them using the other belt to set up a 619 for the win and titles at 14:47. This was so very dull, but the antics down the go home stretch were highly amusing, **¾.
Doug and Danny Basham © vs. Rey Mysterio and Eddie Guerrero
Winners and new WWE Tag Team Champions: Eddie Guerrero and Rey Mysterio
-Teddy Long is pleased with the opening match and gushes about it to a production worker. Long is expecting Raw superstar Dave Batista to arrive soon and wants him to have a warm, catered welcome. Carlito brings in some lady, Mrs. Rodriguez, the wife of a member of the board of directory. who Long feels the need to suck up to. Carlito implies that if Long can’t sign Batista over to Smackdown, he might be out of a job. I love these go-nowhere angles.
-Torrie Wilson and Dawn Marie, former step mother and step daughter, come out as pals to do commentary together for some divas nonsense.
Rookie Divas Evening Gown Contest:
I’d completely forgotten that Loewen and Jones ever existed. This was in the aftermath of WWE firing almost every capable woman wrestler and replacing them with Diva Search contestants. This ends up not being a match, so much as just polling the live audience for their favorite outfit. There’s no clear winner and apparently round 2 is later. Ugh.
Joy Giovanni vs. Rochelle Loewen vs. Lauren Jones vs. Michelle McCool
Heidenreich vs. Booker T
I changed my mind, bring the divas back out! Anyways, this is match is the result of an insta-feud from Heidenreich laughing at Booker on Smackdown. Heidenreich recites a poem to a chorus of WHAT chants. The match starts off with a punch-fest and Heidenreich takes control. Booker lands a kick and nails some chops. Heidenreich hits the worst back elbow I’ve ever seen, but Booker manages to smash him into the ring steps. A thrust kick gets 2 for Booker, but Heidenreich comes back with a power slam. Booker gets worn down in a most boring manner until Booker manages a desperate spinebuster. Booker hits an axe kick and shows off with a Spinaroonie. The scissor kick misses but Booker manages to toss Heidenreich over the ropes. Heidenreich uses a chair to get disqualified at 6:49. I guess this feud must continue. Abysmal match that I can’t even muster the energy to get upset about, DUD.
Winner via DQ: Booker T
-We see that a comfortable “holding room” for Batista has been set up. How nice.
-The Smackdown babyfaces celebrate with Rey Mysterio and Eddie Guerrero in the locker room. Hardcore Holly challenges John Cena to win later on. Eddie shoos everyone out so he can have a chat with Cena. Eddie congratulates Cena for getting this far, but it doesn’t mean anything if he doesn’t beat Angle. Eddie advises Cena not to tap out to the ankle lock no matter how much it hurts. That will frustrate Kurt, who will then start making mistakes. Man, I had no idea this segment ever took place, it’s very poignant in hindsight.
Cruiserweight Championship (Cruiserweight Open):
This is one of those deals where the entire division is featured in a match that has zero story going into it. These matches get everyone on the show, but usually no one gets over. Also, the phrase “Cruiserweight Open” means something different every time, so the rules are a bit unclear. Funaki was given the title as a “gold watch” sort of gesture and got to retain it in Japan, so his time is up. Funaki starts the match against London in an exchanging of headlocks. They sprint to a quick stalemate. London eliminates Funaki and Spike in under two minutes, and I’m still trying to figure out the rules. Moore charges in and dominates the “worn out” London. I thought this was a six-pack challenge, since the competitors seemed to be waiting for tags, but I guess it is a gauntlet match after all. London finishes Moore with the 450 Splash at 3:45. Akio ambushes London and goes after the head (these two had a hell of a series of matches on Velocity in 2005, this is sadly not up to that caliber). A swinging neck breaker off the top leaves both men down. Akio fails to answer the 10 count and is eliminated at 7:10. Chavo confidently picks up the scraps as London is acting like Shawn Michaels at Survivor Series 2003. London counters a neck breaker and nails a Dragon Suplex for 2. London rallies, but Chavo reverses a roll-up with the ropes for the win at 9:44. This was a complete disaster: a roster of jobbers having lucked their way into a random spot-fest for a title that meant less than nothing by this point. This booking effectively buried the championship and everyone involved (except maybe London, but it’s not like the crowd gave a damn about him either). DUD.
Funaki © vs. Paul London vs. Shannon Moore vs. Spike Dudley vs. Chavo Guerrero vs. Akio
Winner and new Cruiserweight Champion: Chavo Guerrero
-Replay from Smackdown, where Batista destroyed JBL’s limo before fleeing from the Cabinet. That’s right, someone ran away from the Basham Brothers and Orlando Jordan, and it was the babyface heading into the Wrestlemania main event. Kind of puts the booking of Roman Reigns in perspective, doesn’t it?
-The camera finds Big Show, deep in thought, perhaps planning his next meal.
-The rookie divas are trotted back out for round 2 of whatever it is they’re competing for. Torrie Wilson and Dawn Marie host, and this time it’s a talent show. Joy’s talent is that she’s an excellent masseuse and offers her services to Torrie. No kidding, my wife walks in just in time to see me watching Joy massaging Torrie with her butt. This segment gets negative stars. Dawn Marie is offended by Joy’s lack of talent, her and me both. Rochelle earns some boos for trying to tell jokes and Dawn cuts her off before things get ugly. Lauren’s talent is dancing and she does a strip tease. My wife is now accusing me of watching porn, thanks a lot, WWE. Neither Dawn or Torrie are impressed and dismiss Lauren (who was likely never seen again). Michelle’s talent is delivering a power slam to Dawn, which the crowd actually pops for. They announce that voting is open, so the suffering isn’t over by a long shot.
-Josh Mathews interviews WWE Champion John Bradshaw Layfield backstage. JBL isn’t scared but knows that he’s going to bleed and suffer tonight in the barbed wire cage. He calls Big Show a side show freak with no heart or guts. JBL will prove why he’s a Wrestling God. World class promo here from JBL who had gradually grown into the role of main eventer.
Luther Reigns (with Mark Jindrak) vs. The Undertaker
Jindrak refuses to exit the ring and gets tossed out by the referee before Undertaker’s typically long entrance. Bell rings and a slugfest breaks out. Taker scores a big boot and Old School. DDT by Taker gets 2. Taker gets mad at the ref for making him break a choke and Reigns manages to expose a turnbuckle. Luther manages a clothesline, but Undertaker whips him into the exposed steel. Undertaker hits the guillotine leg drop on the apron but Luther uses a blind low blow to gain an opening. Luther bounces Taker’s skull into the steel turnbuckle and takes control. Luther’s offense consists of punching and rest holds. They get their time cue and Undertaker goes through his routine comeback. Luther absorbs a choke slam but counters the Tombstone with a neck breaker for a near fall. Undertaker reverses into a DDT and sends Reigns packing to Jobbersville with the Tombstone at 11:45. Boring, pedestrian, and not worthy of pay-per-view, *.
Winner: The Undertaker
-Teddy Long is wondering where Batista is.
-Torrie Wilson hosts Joy, Rochelle, Lauren, and Future Mrs. Undertaker for the final round of the rookie diva contest. Dawn Marie is refusing to host, either upset about getting power slammed, or just sick of getting dragged through the proverbial mud by WWE bookers. Either way, I don’t remember her being around much longer after this event. Anyways, I know you’re all dying to know what happens next, and it’s a bathing suit competition. They strut around in their bikinis and Joy wins. Only WWE could turn a crowd consisting of mostly adult men against scantily clad women. I’m just glad this trashfest is over.
#1 Contenders Match:
Angle totally outwrestles Cena early on. Cena is completely hapless as Angle catches him in a belly to belly takedown. Angle’s home town chants “Angle sucks” as the match restarts after a clean break. Cena clotheslines Angle to the floor and tackles him over the announce table (to boos). Back to the ring, Cena nails a suplex for 2. Cena has better luck with his punching and kicking arsenal. Angle cuts Cena off with a buckle bomb. Angle suplexes Cena and wears him down with rest holds. Angle stops a Cena comeback with rolling German suplexes. John makes a “ground and pound” comeback, but Kurt rakes the eyes. Cena nails a spinebuster anyway. Another German from Angle, but Cena counters with a power slam for 2. Kurt counters the FU and nails a belly to belly suplex. DDT by Cena but Angle counters the FU again, this time with an Ankle Lock! Cena kicks Angle through the ropes and nails a corkscrew senton to the floor. Just kidding, I wanted to see if you were actually reading this play-by-play. Instead, Cena lands a flying leg drop for 2. Cena finally hits the FU but Angle kicks out! Kurt decides late in the game to start working over the ankle. The Angle Slam connects and the Ankle Lock is reapplied. It takes Cena a while to get a rope break and Angle inadvertently knocks down the referee. Kurt grabs Cena’s chain necklace, but Cena cuts him off with the FU for the win at 19:16. While the match was good, it was pretty obvious that Angle was completely carrying Cena here. Still, if the goal was to make Cena ready for Wrestlemania, then mission accomplished, ***.
Kurt Angle vs. United States Champion John Cena
Winner: John Cena
WWE Championship (Barbed Wire Steel Cage):
In case you don’t know, this is just a normal WWE steel cage with gimmicked barbed wire wrapped around the top. Batista might show up too, because Triple H has been framing JBL for a bunch of incidents against the Animal, and Batista is stupid enough to fall for it. The match starts just like you’d imagine, with Big Show punching, head butting, and lumbering around until JBL nails a shoulder tackle to the gut. JBL apparently forgot about the barbed wire and tried to climb out, but ends up flying into Show’s arms for a fall away slam. Show has another methodical hot streak until JBL drives him into the wall. Show is bleeding profusely from the spot and JBL capitalizes. Big Show bounces JBL off the cage into a power bomb. Show repeatedly thrusts JBL into the cage, busting him open along the way. Orlando Jordan and the Bashams run in with wire cutters, but Theodore Long calls them off. They left the cutters behind and JBL clocks Show with them! The Clothesline from Hell is only good for a 2 count. Show hits a sudden choke slam, but JBL sneaks in a low blow. JBL tries to cut an opening in the barbed wire but Show joins him, using the barbed wire to his advantage. Show choke slams JBL off the top and through the ring canvas! The crowd LOVED that spot. Show busts open the chain lock and leisurely walks out the cage door. Big Show thinks he’s won, but it turns out JBL crawled out through the hole in the ring to retain the title at 15:08. That’s a hilariously sh!tty finish to a boring as sin match, *½.
John Bradshaw Layfield © vs. Big Show
Winner and still WWE Champion: John Bradshaw Layfield
-Big Show is a sore loser and hauls a bloody JBL back into the ring for a beating. Orlando Jordan and the Bashams run in for the save and triple team Big Show. Batista, dressed in his ring gear for some reason, runs in and puts all the Cabinet members down with spinebusters. Danny Basham suffers a Batista Bomb while JBL crawls to safety, or so he thinks. John Cena charges in and shoves JBL onto some production equipment. Cena puts JBL through a table with a spinebuster. I guess they had to do something cool to make the crowd forget about the horrendous main event ending.
Final Thoughts: This was an overwhelmingly stupid, unenjoyable show. If there’s any saving grace, it’s that you can see John Cena and Batista becoming stars before your very eyes. Otherwise, a couple decent matches can’t save this from the scrap heap. Thumbs Down.
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