WWF In Your House: Seasons Beatings - Dec 17, 1995
by Erick Von Erich
What the HECK?/Intro
As strange as this seems to me, I actually remember watching parts of this show on "Scramble Vision" back in December 1995. The old cable box screw-up where you could see about 65% of the show, in between horizontal scrambling. I musta' been bored that night.
Show opens with Vince McMahon and Jerry "the King" Lawler running down ...well, not the card, just a few matches. They show Santa Claus in the aisle, passing out cheap crap to fans. But with so much going on in the World Wrestling Federation, let's get down to ringside for...
Match 1: Sycho Sid & the 1-2-3 Kid (w/Ted DiBiase) vs. Marty Janetty & Razor Ramon
Both teams have theme music that sounds like it could be the commercial bumper for a segment of Oprah. Wow, I know I wasn't following the WWF at this time, but was there ever been a lamer ring-name than "the 1-2-3 Kid"? (Sure there was: "Syxx"). I just don't get it. That's like naming your Big Fat Guy "Guy Who Might Pin You", or even worse, "Dr. ABC". Anyways, Kid and Marty bounce aroudn doing criss-cross stuff. Marty slides under Kid's legs and kicks him in the noggin. Kid counters a hiptoss by flippng out of it, but gets clotheslined by Marty for a quick 2. Marty atoimc drops him, then tags in Razor, who apparently has a Big Beef with the Kid. Razor give him the Toothpick Toss and Slap! Kid is shoved away and makes a blind tag to Sid, who comes in to pound away on Razor. Both guys go down and tag off to their partners. Marty charges into the Kid with a face-jam, powerslam and a blockbuster (!) off the second rope. Marty hooks a camel clutch which means it's the perfect time to cut to Goldust in his private ringside box. Goldust cuts some homoerotic prose about Razor and asks Todd Pettengill to deliver a special envelope to the Bad Guy. Coincedentally, just as Goldust's promo ends, the action in the ring picks back up! Whoa! Sid slams Marty, then the Kid follows it up with a top-rope flog splash for 2. Hot tag to Razor, who cleans house and manages to bulldog Sid off the second rope for the 3-count pin. After match shenanigans errupt as Razor tries to powerbomb the Kid, but Sid and DiBiase make the save.
Cut to a weird WWF commercial, with Santa Claus in a police line-up. Looks like Ahmed Johnson and (I think) Rikishi Fatu are also dressed up as Santas. I don't follow the logic, but the wrestlers decide to beat the crap out of Santa.
In a miscue, we cut to the ring where a braindead ring announcer (not Howard Finkel..no idea who this guy is) suddenly announces "Nature Boy, Buddy Riddell". Umm, okay. But now, a Special Moment with Jerry Lawler. He hops in the ring and re-introduces Jeff Jarrett to the crowd. Jarrett is presented with a "Gold CD" for his record "With My Baby Tonight". Jarrett hypes himself up and talks about the success of his recent "Ain't I Great" tour. It'll now be followed up by the "Greater than Great" tour! You usually have to have more than ONE song to have a tour, but it's Logic in Wrestling! Jarrett decides to join the commentary crew for the next match.
Match 2: Ahmed Johnson vs. "Nature Boy" Buddy Landell
Actually, it was supposed to be Dean (Shane) Douglas, but he's in the ring citing an injury. In his stead, he's proud to announce his "prize pupil" Buddy Landell as his replacement. Ahmed walks out, unamused and gets chopped by Landell. Ahmed hits a spinebuster and his "Pearl River Plunger" (double underhook into a powerbomb) for the quick pin. After-match shenanigans errupt as Ahmed steals Douglas's paddle and spanks his bottom with it. That's one of the Important Lessons of Wrestling-- a spank is always sold like the most devastating injury this side of a severed head.
But we're not done. Jarret and Lawler get on the house mic and insult Ahmed. You can tell Ahmed's a Good Guy, because he runs down Jarrett then TURNS HIS BACK ON HIM to argue with Lawler. Yup, Jarrett smashes him with the framed "Gold CD". Ahmed chases Jarrett down the aisle ,at one point over-running him, then back-tracking to attack him. A "Gold CD" ranks up there with a birthday cake or giant trophy-- you just know it's not gonna' make it out of the match alive.
Match 3: Hog Pen Match: Hunter Hearst Helmsley vs. Henry O. Godwinn
With Special Referee: Hillbilly Jim. Since this match involves two hillbillies, I think it's only appropriate to recap this match as "Karl from Sling Blade":
So these two fellers decide to have a match, yessir. I do believe there's a hog pen match about 30 feet from th' ring, mmm-hmm. They fight quite a bit, which is something a boy not ought to do. This one feller in overalls tries to do one of them clotheslines, mm-hhmm. The other feller... he ducks and flips him into the hog-pen. Some folks call it a pig-sty, I call it a hog-pen. Then that first feller, he slips and falls in the mud and makes a fool of himself. I believe one of them fellers was from Arkansas. Hrm.... allright, then.
Match 4: Owen Hart (w/Jim Cornette) vs. Diesel
Sorta' set-up because Diesel's Pal, Shawn Michaels had collapsed in a recent match against Owen. Owen was bragging about it and in a Homoerotic Trial of Honor, Diesel is standing up for his friend. Diesel shoves Owen into the corner and nails him with back elbows. Side-slam and Diesel clotheslines Owen over the top rope. Owen makes a comeback by hitting an enseguri and working Diesel's leg. Diesel kicks out of a figure four/sharpshooter attempt and hits his jacknife powerbomb. He stands over Owen, but lifts him up at 2. He goes for another jacknife, but the ref protests. Diesel shoves him away and gets disqualified. Another jacknife occurs. Lame ending for a mismtached pair.
A Very Special Ted DiBiase and Santa Claus Segment
Savio Vega and Santa Claus are passing out ...umm, stuff to the crowd. It kinda' looks like they're passing out GLAD trash bags and balloons. This is apparently enough to incense Ted DiBiase to get into the ring, grab the mic and start running down Christmas, with plenty of "Mawahahahahaha" cackles. He goads Savio into the ring to prove to him that "everybody has a price for the Million Dollar Man, mawahahahaha!". They have a debate worthy of Elmer Fudd and Huckleberry Hound as they argue over believing in Santa Claus. Savio doesn't grasp the script entirely, though. DiBiase keeps asking him if he belives in Santa Claus, to which Savio constantly replies, "yes, I believe in the magic of Santa Claus". Look, Savio, if you're out there to cut a segment with frickin' Santa Claus, nobody's buying you as ultra-serious, so it's OKAY to simply say "I believe in Santa Claus". You won't lose any additional cool points. Anyways, the guy in the Santa outfit suddenly attacks Savio with his sack (his sack of TOYS, you pervert) and they fight down the aisle. "Santa" loses his hat and wig. Pretty sure it was Boo Bradley/Balls Mahoney as "Santa".
Match 5: Casket Match:
Another in the endless "Undertaker vs. Freaky Monster Guy" series. This time, it's King Mabel, known and adored today as Viscera. Which makes me wonder: what the heck happened to Mo? This time out, Taker's urn had been stolen by Kama Mustafa (who has no part in this match) and had been melted down into a gold chain, currently in possession of Mabel and Mo. They've also "ghetto'd" up the king size casket for this match, by spray painting it. Mabel is carried out on the elevated "king platform" and it looks like one of the jobbers carrying the load is Jeff Hardy. Undertaker is wearing a weird white face mask, which sorta' resembles Kane's mask from around 2002. Too many details! Which means I can completely skimp on this match's details. If you've seen one "Taker vs. Freaky Monster" match, you've seen 'em all. After about 8 minutes, Taker gets nailed with a legdrop and is rolled outside the ring. Mo picks him up and dumps him in the coffin. Mabel takes his sweet time walking over to close the casket, allowing Taker to miraculously revive and make a comeback. Back into the ring, Taker knees Mabel in the back and sends him flying into the casket and the loving arms of Mo. In a surprising turn of events, Taker slams the lid on both guys.
Undertaker (w/Paul Bearer) vs. King Mabel (w/Sir Mo)
Video build up to Bret Hart and the British Bulldog, including their SummerSlam 1992 bout. Bulldog cuts a generic promo in the back, with his wife Diana (Bret's sister). Diana says she isn't split in her loyalty and is 100% behind her husband. She also apparently had mutant eyelash implants installed especially for this match. She also broke out her "Aunt Bee from Mayberry" outfit, complete with polka dots and a hairband.
Match 6: WWF Championship:
This match is widely available on the Bret Hart DVD set, so it's not really worth me giving the blow-by-blow. It's played up as a sequel, as Bulldog is supposedly wearing the same tights he wore in his '92 victory (he's not). Yet he constantly stops to yank his drawers up throughout the match. Diana plays absolutely no part in the match, which is odd considering how much screen time she gets. After every third hold, she's shown in a split-screen with her Mutant Eyelash Implants. The match itself is a break from Bret's usual formula. They spill outside and Bret tries to hit a reverse-splash from the apron onto Bulldog. Buldog cathces him and delivers the running powerslam on the floor. Really weird, cuz' I don't I've ever seen anybody hit or even attempt a reverse-splash from the apron. It makes the match seem more choregraphed than usual. Bret is sent into the steps and suddenly, it's either time for his uterus to expel its monthly egg, or else he's done a nasty blade job. Blood is all over the place and by the time the match is over, Bulldog's tights are almost enitrely pink. Back inside, Bret's usual finishers are countered. After both guys are dumped from the top on a super-plex attempt, Bret manages to hook a reverse cradle/victory roll (La magistral) on Bulldog to score the pin. Both guys were 3 years older, and while it didn't have the atmosphere of their Wembley Stadium tilt, it was a worthy sequel and eclipsed the original in some parts.
Bret "Hitman" Hart vs. British Bulldog (w/ Diana Smith)
Backstage, Dok Hendrix (Michael Hayes) is with the Undertaker, the new #1 contender. Diesel barges in and disputes the ranking. An Intense Face-off of Mild Intimidation closes the show.
Why'd You Tape This??
I had never seen any WWF cards from this period (Scramble Vision doesn't count). This was slightly better than what I had expected. Despite the lame ring-names and music, the opener hooked me into the show. Since I had only seen Kevin Nash in WCW, I was mildy amused to see him inside the ring with some enthusiasm. The Douglas segement is weird, just to see the crappy "Dean Douglas" outfit--- I mean, they gave the guy an ass-paddle as a weapon?! The Santa stuff proved once again that "no Santa angle NOT involving Michael Hayes has ever delivered". I was definitely thinking about fitting "FF" or "x16" during that part. Same for the Hog Pen Match and the Casket Match. So basically, that leaves two matches worth watching--the opener and the closer. Considering that the closer is on the Bret Hart DVD, you can skip this card entirely....unless you really like Sid (I know there are some Marty-marks out there, as well).
Good for my curiousity's sake, but not good for entertainment's sake.
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