WWF Wham Bam Bodyslam!
by Scrooge McSuck
- Another venture to the Coliseum Video Collection. Released sometime in the late fall of 1994 or early winter of 1995 (depending on who you listen to), it's time to enter the twilight of the Coliseum Videos, when they became even more crappy and featured more recycled matches than ever before. Oh well, at least some of them are still good for a laugh now and then. There's only a couple of matches on here worth a damn, but let's see if they're good enough to save the tape.
- The host of this Coliseum Video is Ted Dibiase, who is threatening someone over the phone about his payoff for such a lame job. Stick it to the man, Teddy!
- Lex Luger vs. Tatanka (w/ Ted Dibiase):
Commentary is being done for this tape by Stan Lane and Gorilla Monsoon. This is fairly recent after Tatanka's heel turn, as he still has his baby-face colors instead of the black and brown he would adopt a few weeks before Survivor Series '94. Oh, and this match is going to SUCK. Stan Lane calls Luger the "Renegade", thus confusing me already. I was right... this match does suck. Neither man does anything special other than an occasional clothesline, which is about as basic of a maneuver as you can expect. Lots of stalling in the opening minutes, and once Tatanka goes on offense, the match goes from suck to sucks more. Did Lex Luger ever have a good match in the WWF, other than the SummerSlam '93 one against Yokozuna? After about 500 years of nothing, Luger makes his big baby-face comeback, which lasts 5 seconds and Tatanka continues to do nothing and excelling at it. THIS MATCH WON'T FUCKING END! At least the SummerSlam '94 match was kept to under 6 minutes. This has been going on for twice that long, and shows no signs of ending. Luger makes another comeback, and doesn't appear to have broken a sweat. After about 60 clotheslines, Tatanka gets sent out of the ring. Luger and Tatanka brawl, and this keeps going on forever until the referee counts them both out at 13:52. Almost 15 minutes for that suck-ass finish!? Jesus Christ, this was a fucking stinker if there ever was one. After the match, Lex wants more of Tatanka, but I hope to God we don't get any... and we do, but it doesn't count. Luger kills Tatanka with the Torture Rack, then runs around having a fit. What a sportsman he is. -* This match earned a negative star rating. Stalling and resting galore, and just flat out boring with no psychology and a suck finish. Plus the fact neither of the ranks high on my list of workers influences my rating.
- Bret Hart & The British Bulldog vs. Owen Hart & Jim Neidhart:
The Hart Foundation Explodes 3 years before they officially formed. The Bulldog had just returned to the WWF at SummerSlam '94, Jim Neidhart made his at King of the Ring, and both are quickly thrusted into the feud between Bret and Owen, which had been going on for most of 1994. This might've been pulled from an episode of the Action Zone, but I'm not too sure. I wonder why the WWF didn't use the New Foundation name for Owen and Neidhart, since that was their team name in 1992, but it's logic in wrestling. Bret and Owen start the match for their respective teams. Lockup, and a non-shove-off leads to Owen celebrating. Owen with a hammerlock, which is quickly countered into another by Bret. Owen counters that with a drop toe hold into a headlock, and Bret turns it into a hammerlock on the ground. Bret with a knee into the elbow, and he applies a wristlock. Irish whip to escape, and Hart catches Owen in a crucifix for a quick two count, before going back to the armbar. Owen counters a hammerlock with an elbow to the side of the face. Owen with a shoulder block, and a crisscross leads to a Bret monkey flip and clotheslining Owen over the top rope, to the floor. Back into the ring, and Bret wants some of the Anvil, now, but not before making fat jokes about him. Neidhart shoves off Bret on the initial lockup. Bret ducks a clothesline, but can't get a roll-up to work. Bret tries for a cross body, but Anvil catches him in a bear-hug. Bret escapes with a bite to the forehead and tags in the Bulldog. A series of shoulder blocks doesn't work until Bulldog does a diving version. Neidhart no-sells though, and hammers away before tagging out to Owen. Irish whip is reversed, and Bulldog nails Owen with a clothesline. Irish whip to the corner and Owen comes out right into a back drop. Another Irish whip is reversed, and Bulldog catches Owen with his head down for the delayed vertical suplex. That only gets a two count, and Bulldog quickly goes to a reverse chinlock. Owen escapes with an Irish whip, and Neidhart drives a knee into the back of Bulldog to take control of the match. Owen with a spinning heel kick for a two count. Neidhart tags in and the heels drop Davey Boy with a double clothesline. Neidhart goes to a reverse chinlock, despite just tagging into the match. Logic says you only do that when you're tired, and if you are, just tag out. Bulldog battles back to his feet, before getting caught in the corner for some stomping from Owen. Owen with a headbutt and a series of nasty European uppercuts. Owen connects with a leg drop for a two count. Bulldog takes the bait of Owen's boot, and an enziguri knocks Davey Boy's head into the 26th row. Double teaming in the corner by the New Foundation. Owen with an inverted atomic drop, and Neidhart tags back in for a wish-bone. Neidhart lifts Bulldog off the ground with a handful of hair. Bulldog tries making a tag, but Neidhart catches him in a front facelock. Bret and Owen play a game of cat and mouse around the ring until Owen nails the Hart Attack on Bulldog in the ring, for a two count. Neidhart chops and clubs the Bulldog down to the canvas, and Owen chokes him in the corner behind the referee's back. Owen comes back for more punishment and connects with the rude awakening neck breaker for a two count. Chinlock applied by Owen. Bulldog escapes with a series of elbows to the midsection, and a head collision knocks both men down. Neidhart wisely distracts the referee to prevent him from seeing the hot tag, but Owen accidentally nails Neidhart with a running dropkick. Bret FINALLY makes the real hot tag, and it's time to go to school! Neidhart is laid out with a dropkick, and a double noggin knocker follows. Bret with mounted punches in the corner and a cross body press onto Neidhart for some to him. Owen walks into an inverted atomic drop, and Bret follows with a clothesline. Neidhart is finally sent out of the ring and Bret nails the russian leg sweep on Owen for a two count. Side back breaker by Bret, followed by a second rope elbow drop for another two count. Snap suplex by Bret, and it's time for the Sharpshooter! Neidhart quickly breaks it with a clothesline to the back of the head. Bulldog tags back in and catches Owen off the ropes for a press slam, but Neidhart is in again to break it up. Owen goes for a suplex, but Bulldog counters with an inside cradle. Neidhart turns Owen on top, then Bret turns Bulldog back on top of Owen, and that gets the three count at 15:36. That must've been one devastating inside cradle. *** Very good old school tag formula match, with the heels doing a lot of double teaming and quick tags while beating the piss out of the heels with a barrage of big moves before falling to the awesome power of the fresh partner. I could've done without that lame pinfall, so I knocked 1/4* off the rating.
- Doink and Dink the Clowns running wild at the WWF TV Studios. Doink is wearing a bright blue blazer and trousers and is dragging Dink around in a little wheel thing. Dink silly-strings some worker, and Doink does more. The stupidity continues as they enter an editing room to hand-buzzer some schmuck and continue to cause trouble for everyone. Dink has more talking lines here than his entire TV career with the WWF.
- WWF Intercontinental Championship Match:
Razor Ramon © vs. "Double J" Jeff Jarrett:
We are still a few weeks before the debut of the Roadie (Brian Armstrong as Double J's lackey), so Jarrett still has no heat. Seriously, he gets NO reaction. Not even a piped in one. How anyone could buy this guy as a champion of any kind needs to have their head examined. Razor Ramon has Ranger Smith in his corner (this was back when you could be a guest manager/ring announcer by showing up to a WWF arena show). All of the matches so far seem to be from the same arena show. Jarrett mouths off to Ranger Smith and knocks his hat off for being a jerk-off to Yogi Bear, so Ramon tosses his toothpick in his face. Paint-by-Numbers match the whole way. Jarrett does a move, poses, does a move, Ramon no-sells, does a move, rest, lather, rinse, repeat. It's not an entirely bad match, but just really boring, and the crowd seems rather dead. This must've been the last matches at a 5 hour taping, otherwise I question Ramon being over. The action picks up a bit after the opening minutes, but nothing exciting to note. It's just "there." Brawling happens outside until Ramon is whipped into the ring, and Jarrett beats the count in at 11:22 for the victory. HOWEVER! Jeff Jarrett wants to win the title, so he demands the match be restarted. Yes, it's the same finish as the Royal Rumble '95 Match, except Ramon retains the belt of course about 20 seconds later by pinning Jarrett following the Razor's Edge. *3/4 Decent match overall, but way too "Memphis Style", meaning the heel relies too much on resting and stalling in between moves during their offensive run. They had a much better match at the Rumble, but again, nothing amazing.
- The Bushwackers vs. Well Dunn (w/ Harvey Wippleman):
(Butch & Luke vs. Timothy Well & Steven Dunn)
You know you're a sucky tag team when even the Bushwackers win more matches to you. Of course, I'm refering to Well Dunn, who won maybe 1 match in their entire run with the WWF. The Bushwackers singlet has "Hongi Bushwackers" printed on it, with the two of them doing an Eskimo kiss. Another shitty match, and the Bushwackers are about 4 years past being at all useful in the WWF. In a twist of events, it's the 'Whackers doing all the stalling at the start of the match, but now Well Dunn is joining in on the act. Nothing but punching and kicking, and much too long compared to some of their television matches at the time. In an awesome continuity bit, Stan Lane actually refers to Butch and Luke as "Butch Miller" and "Luke Williams." Yes, that's the high-spot of the match. Well eats a Battering Ram, but Dunn leg drops Bitch across the back of the head. Now Luke does it, and Butch covers Well again for the three count at 7:58. DUD Bad match, but I watched most of it on fast mode, so I won't give out any negatives for this one. I'll just say that if you get this tape, just skip this one.
- Lex Luger & The Smoking Gunns vs. Shawn Michaels, Diesel, Tatanka: Oh Sweet Jesus, NO! Not more Lex Luger vs. Tatanka crap! And since Michaels is the only guy in the match with anything that resembles talent, I don't expect this one to be very good. We're slightly Joined in Progress, with Luger and Michaels in the ring. We get a quick start of Luger laying out Michaels and the Gunns taking out Dieseil while Tatanka hides on the apron. Really quick paced match with minimal down time when the faces are in control (to my surprise), but once Bart Gunn becomes the gay cowboy that ate chocolate pudding in peril, it goes downhill. At least he takes a shit kicking well, even though the heels offense is rather boring. Maybe Michaels should spend more time in the ring than Tatanka (Buffalo). Once Shawn does tag in, he goes to a chinlock. And people say Shawn didn't half-ass it at these events. BILLY GUNN gets the hot tag (not main eventer Lex Luger), so I expect him to die soon. Yep, Diesel nails the Jackknife, and Michaels covers for three at around 9:21. *1/2 Decent match during the first and last couple of minutes, but the middle portion really hurt, with all of the heels dialing it in, and no doing anything of special note.
- WWF World Championship; Lumberjack Match:
Bret "Hitman" Hart © vs. "The King of Harts" Owen Hart:
Lumberjacks: The Smoking Gunns, The Head Shrinkers, The Bushwackers, The 1-2-3 Kid, Well Dunn, The Heavenly Bodies, Jim Neidhart, Jeff Jarrett, and Kwang the Ninja
Rather infamous match here, which was even mentioned in WWF Magazine despite not being on television and not at any special location (the article was "The Bite" by Vic Venom... I can only guess who that was). Owen steals the belt before the match to pose with in the corner. Lockup to start into the corner, and Owen with a cheap shot. Bret gives it back and pounds away with rights and a headbutt. Bret with an inverted atomic drop, followed by a DDT and leg drop. Owen runs, so the Bushwackers, 1-2-3 Kid, and Fatu throw him back in. Owen rakes the eyes to come back and rams Bret to the buckle. Owen chokes Bret across the middle rope and stomps him out of the ring. Double J and Tom Prichard toss him back in without any cheap shots. Irish whip to the corner, with classic Bret selling. Owen with a headbutt, and he applies a Camel Clutch. Bret fights back to his feet, so Owen turns it into a chinlock. Bret counters into an overhead wristlock, but Owen throws Bret down by the hair and goes back to the chinlock. Bret escapes with fists to the midsection and grabs his own headlock. Irish whip, and a crisscross leads to Double J tripping Bret. Owen fails at a roll up, and Bret applies the Sharpshooter. Shit happens between the Lumberjacks, Neidhart runs in to clothesline Bret from behind, and Owen covers... FOR THE THREE COUNT AT 3:04?! Owen is the winner and NEW WWF Champion!
Oh wait, no he isn't. A second referee, Pat Patterson, and Rene Goulet come out to restart the match. That's cold, Obi-Wan! I thought instant Replay didn't happen in the WWF! Bret pounds away on Owen as the match gets back in order. Irish whip to the corner, and Owen charges, ramming his shoulder into the ring post. Scoop slam by Bret followed by an elbow across the throat. Bret rakes the eyes of Owen across the top rope, then takes him over with a snapmare and into a reverse chinlock. Owen fights his way back to a standing position, but Bret puts him back down with a cross body, only for a two count though. Bret rams Owen face-first into the canvas and goes back to the chinlock. That looks more like a choke hold to me. Irish whip to escape, and Owen nails a running knee into the midsection. Owen with some trash talking, and a headbutt close to the border. Owen returns the favor by ramming Bret into the canvas face-first, then chokes. Bret is dumped out of the ring in front of the heel lumberjacks, and now the faces come over to keep it clean. Bret is finally rolled back into the ring, and Owen covers for a two count. Irish whip and Owen feeds Bret his foot to execute the enziguri, which gets another two count. Owen with the European uppercuts and a headbutt. A standing dropkick sends Bret outside, where Anvil stomps away as Owen distracts the referee. Owen stomps away on Bret as he's rolled in and chokes more with a knee across the throat (duh). Owen with a snap suplex into a cover for a two count, then back to the chinlock. Bret makes his way to his feet and unloads a series of elbows to the midsection. Irish whip, and a back breaker counter turns into a Tombstone piledriver by Owen! Owen heads to the top rope, but comes off to miss a diving headbutt. Bret is back up and pissed off. He pummels Owen and whips him hard to the corner for the chest-first bump. Bret with a snap leg drop for a two count. Irish whip and Bret with a fist to the midsection, followed by a Russian leg sweep for a two count. Inside cradle by Bret gets another two count. Bret with the side back breaker, followed by a second rope elbow drop for two count #472. Neidhart climbs up on the apron to cause a problem, but heel miscommunication allows Bret to roll Owen up for the three count at 13:52 to retain the World Title. **3/4 Not one of the better matches between the two, but when you have two classics on PPV in one year and several more great matches on television, you can't expect them to meet those expectations all the time. Still a good match and nice to have for the fake title change.
- WWF Womens Championship Match:
Alundra Blayze © vs. Bull Nakano (w/ Luna Vachon):
Naturally, Nakano has the Orient Express theme music, a theme recycled several more times since then before being hung-up in favor for the Kaientai theme music. Judging from their other matches from 1994-95, this could be very good. Nakano goes to work fast, but Blayze comes back with some kicks. Nakano blocks an enziguri and throws Blayze across the ring by the hair, with some major spin action on those snaps. Nakano snaps Blayze back and then rams her face-first into the canvas. Nakano with a leg drop for a two count. Blayze with a series of elbows to the midsection, but they have no effect. Nakano pounds away on Blayze, and no-sells her feeble attempts of offense. Choke lift by Nakano, and she does the arrogant pin for only a one count. Irish whip to the corner, and Bayze escapes to the apron to snap Nakano across the top rope. Blayze heads up top, but gets caught and slammed off by Nakano. VICIOUS piledriver by Nakano, but that only gets a two count as Blayze gets her foot on the bottom rope. Nakano drags Blayze to the middle of the ring and applies an ankle lock type submission, then turns it into a reverse figure-four! Nakano turns that into an STF and turns Blayze over into a surfboard. Now we get the awesome Sharpshooter/Octopus Hold that I have no idea what to call. Suplex by Nakano, and that gets a series of two counts. Blayze bridges up to prevent a pin attempt, until Nakano sit-down splashes her chest after several failed attempts. Nakano with a choke from the second turnbuckle and into a face-buster bulldog. The action spills outside, where Nakano rams Blayze into the steps and floors her with a clothesline. Back into the ring, and Nakano quickly slams Blayze for a two count. Blayze comes back with a series of hair-snaps, then kicks Vachon off the apron after a distraction. Nakano fucking KILLS Blayze with a DDT after draping Blayze across the top rope, but that still only gets a two count. Irish whip, and Blayze ducks a clothesline and puts Nakano in a crucifix for a two count. Irish whip, and a sunset flip is blocked with a sit-down splash by Nakano. Powerbomb into a pinning combination by Nakano gets a two count. Nakano heads up to the top rope, but Blayze crotches her. She tries a super-plex, but Nakano shoves her off. The guillotine leg drop misses though, and Blayze nails a running dropkick. Blayze with a second dropkick, and now she goes to the second rope for a missile dropkick for a two count. Irish whip is reversed, and Blayze ducks under a clothesline and catches Nakano with a German suplex for the three count at 10:19. Damn, that was a good match. ***1/2 Started off a bit slow, with Nakano beating the piss out of her much smaller opponent, then working in her show-boating spots of applying various painful submission moves that most American fans like myself had never seen before. From there, Blayze played the role of determined underdog who gets in shots from a distance while barely surviving more brutal blows fairly well. This reminds me... when was the last time women wrestlers today got 10 minutes in the WWF? Hell, who would want it anyway? Blayze and Nakano are better than every woman WWE employs combined.
- 20-Man Over-The-Top-Rope Battle Royale:
(Participants: The 1-2-3 Kid, Billy Gunn, Bart Gunn, Typhoon, Headshrinker Samu, Headshrinker Fatu, Sparky Plugg, Mabel, Duke Droese, Adam Bomb, Bob Backlund, Yokozuna, Diesel, Dr. Tom Prichard, Jimmy DelRay, Bam Bam Bigelow, Nikolai Volkjoff, Jeff Jarrett, Kwang, I.R.S.)
Final match on the tape, and once again, I remind everyone I won't be doing PBP unless something magically great happens until the final four or so we come down to. Everyone gangs up and dumps out Yokozuna at the 7-second mark. Headshrinker Fatu is gone next at the 21-second mark thanks to Yokozuna latching on to him like a leech. Prichard and Jarrett double team Droese for a weird combination. Diesel back drops Typhoon out at 2:14. The Retirement Home (Volkoff & Backlund) work over Droese, who must've pissed someone off. Wait... Fatu is still in the ring? But he was pulled out! Oh well, Logic in Wrestling. Nikolai Volkoff is eliminated next, at the hands of Bart Gunn at 3:32. Dr. Tom is dumped out (slowly) by Bob Backlund at 4:17. Mabel seems to target out Double J, who he constantly chokes throughout the match. In a surprising turn of events, Bigelow is gone next at 4:45 after missing a clothesline to Sparky Plugg. Double J takes a butt-whooping from 1/2 of Kronik and a guy no doubt who was on it for the latter part of his career, the 1-2-3 Kid. Bart Gunn is out next at 5:23, also at the hands of Backlund. I.R.S. briefly tuns face to try and get Kwang out with the help of the Kid, but soon tries dumping him out as well. Not much happens for a while until Adam Bomb and Kwang dump each other out while hugging at 6:38. They continue brawling, since they had a thing going at the time that no one cared about. We're down to the Dirty Dozen, as nothing happens again. Check that, Diesel dumps out Fatu at 7:27, who is eliminated for the second time. Diesel then dumps Mabel at 7:45, which gets a pretty nice reaction. Samu pounds on Diesel as the crowd chants "Diesel", who was the reigning IC Champ. A bunch of people gang up on Diesel and he's gone at 8:18 to a chorus of boos. DAMN EVERYONE IN THIS CROWD TO HELL! I.R.S. and Plugg trade blows while Duke stomps on Backlund. Check that, Plugg is gone at 9:07 courtesy of a Double J clothesline, and we've got the Elite Eight. Droese goes out next at 9:27 at the hands of Irwin and Jarrett. Backlund and Schyster double team fellow heel Delray. I.R.S. dumps Delray, but he hangs on, and Double J dumps Irwin at 10:19. Delray is then knocked off the apron by Samu to eliminate him at 10:15. Everyone wanders around the ring for a while until everyone decides to gang up on Samu, and he's going back to the showers at 10:45, leaving us...
Final Four: The 1-2-3 Kid, Billy Gunn, Bob Backlund, Jeff Jarrett
What a lame final four, and the winner should be quite obvious at this point. Backlund/Kid and Gunn/Jarrett are the pairings. Jarrett boots The Outlaw in the face during a charge attempt, but Kip James ain't selling and punches away. The One King Ass tries a BIG roundhouse right, but The King of the Mountain back drops him out at 11:24. The Kid with a scoop slam on Backlund, and here's JArrett to dump the Kid. He hangs on and throws Jarrett out from behind at 11:46 (Jarrett did the same spot at the Rumble that year). The Kid kicks away on Backlund and goes for a Chicken Wing?! Backlund escapes and applies the hold himself. The Kid is hurt, so Backlund quickly scoops him off the canvas and tosses him out to win the Battle Royale at 12:27. I hate rating Battle Royales, but this one wasn't very interesting. Nothing of note happend, on the field of participants was rather Jobberific, considering Jimmy Delray, Samu, and Billy Gunn were part of the final few men in the ring, while guys like Yokozuna and Diesel were eliminated fairly early.
Final Thoughts: One of those hit and miss Coliseum Video's. For every good match (Hart/Bulldog vs. Neidhart/Owen, Bret vs. Owen, Blayze vs. Nakano), there's a really bad match (Luger vs. Tatanka, Bushwackers vs. Well Dunn) and a couple of other matches that won't really interest anyone. I'd recommend getting the three good matches noted above, and just fast forward everything else. Warning: NEVER WATCH LUGER/TATANKA. It'll just break your spirits like it almost did mine. Mildest of Mild Recommendation.
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