- I mentioned on Da' Board that I came across this show and couldn't decide whether or not to take a stab at it. On top of featuring a card that leaves a lot to be desired, this is a German dubbed version, replacing the generic commentary of Ted Dibiase and some guy who probably helped produce the PPV. I love that, when these Independent companies get a PPV deal, then throw no-names in the broadcast position, usually having little to no knowledge on the stuff they're watching in the first place. Listening to non-English commentary isn't new to me, especially for bad wrestling. I sat through the entire Best of the WWF Vol. 16 video and didn't blink an eye to the random crap pulled with commentary in Japanese, Italian, and French. I should note, that this show was taped months in advance, in Sydney, Australia, and was actually advertised as "Rodman Down Under", because that sounds like it's worth the price of admission, doesn't it?
- I should note, that for the "American" commentary team, they were filmed in front of what might be the worst green-screen effect in the history of television production. I'm talking Superman IV levels of bad. Jaws 3-D levels of bad. Also, every match is followed by a bunch of Nitro Girl wanna-be's. I'm sorry, but as a heterosexual male, I don't watch wrestling for this kind of stuff, I watch it for half-naked men groping each other, and that's the way it's always going to be.
- Curt Hennig, the reigning Champion of I-generation or whatever they want to call themselves, comes to the ring to hype his title defense against DENNIS RODMAN in the Main Event, an Australian Outback Match. No, Outback Jack is not the special referee for the match. Hennig kind of heels it up, but seems to be getting cheered. I don't know what they're going for here. Hennig is millions of times better as a heel, by the way, but he was never that much of a butt-kissing babyface either, once he recieved his best exposure in the WWF. Rodman makes his presence felt, talking trash from the top of the entrance set. Well, I guess we needed a reason for them to be fighting?
Rock attacks Animal from behind, no doubt distracted by the hot dog vendor in the third row. Whip to the corner is reversed, and Animal takes him over with a back drop. Animal with clotheslines, complete with over-sell. What is the obsession with doing close-ups of ugly fans covered in sweat? Grunge tags in and gets booted for his troubles. Hawk trips on his way in and comes off the turnbuckle with a fist. Hawk with sloppy chops, then a diving shoulder tackle. Irish whip is reversed in SUPER SLOW MOTION, then Hawk throws Grunge down by the hair. Rock tags in, and Grunge pulls a table from under the ring. Rock takes Hawk down with a swinging neckbreaker as we get the fifth or sixth shot of an ugly fan, wearing WCW merchandise. Rock goes to the top rope, but gets slammed off for his troubles. Irish whip, and Hawk with a powerslam for a two count. Irish whip, and a double elbow from the LOD. Grunge tags in and Animal slaps on a headlock. Animal nearly trips on Grunge while running the ropes, then gets knocked out of the ring. Rock greets him with a chair shot as they show THE SAME FANS OVER AND OVER. Rock throws Animal into the security rail, then punches him with an open water bottle. That's got to hurt [/SARCASM]. Back in and Rock taunts Animal by acting like a jerk. Rock crotches himself across the middle rope, but Grunge tags in and prevents a tag to Hawk. Irish whip, and Animal with a sunset flip, but the referee is distracted. It's honest to God like watching a show in slow-motion. Everything is done with so little enthusiasm it's annoying. Rock to the top, and he jumps off, and Animal casually gets a foot up in the DUMBEST SPOT EVER INVENTED. Hawk gets the hot tag and nails both men with a clothesline. Hawk with a neck breaker to both men, botching it both times somehow, then heads to the top rope, and misses... something. Splash or clothesine? Animal comes in and runs into a turnbuckle. Rock sets Hawk up across a table outside the ring, and connects with a somersault. Rock tries the same on Animal, but this time it misses. Animal with a shoulder block on Animal, and he's sucking wind. Rock with a chair shot on Animal, then a Lance Stormerô to Hawk. Another table gets brought in the ring, and they manage to not only blow the spot, but perform it with absolutely no effort, as Animal kind of picks up Grunge, then trips carrying him, and drops him into the table, along with Rock, who was just standing around right in front of it... and that wins the match at 9:00. What the hell was that? I wouldn't call this the worst opening match to a show I have ever seen (the Bash '91 Scaffold Match owns that title), but this was pretty damn bad. Four guys that were completely out of shape, moving at the pace of a snail on valium, blowing spots and performing everything with about as much effort as a someone who had to show up to work for one more day before they were quitting.
They do the dueling pose spot, allowing Brute to hit Barbarian weakly with a garbage can, then choke him with a wrench. Then he chokes him with a broom stick. Barbarian goes low, much like the workrate depth for this entire card. Barbarian spread Eagle's Beefcake and gives him a headbutt to the Family Jewels. Why is the referee admonishing Barbarian IN A HARDCORE RULES MATCH!? Barbarian gives Beefcake a GOOD shot with the garbage can, then sweeps the floor with him, and hits him with the can, again. Barbarian tosses Brute into the corner and chops him down. At least Barbarian's offense looks like he's putting effort behind it. We head outside the ring, and Brute smacks Barbarian with something unrecognizable, then gives him a taste of the table. The poor garbage can is doing most of the work in this match. They head up the ramp, and the can is STILL being used! FIND A NEW WEAPON FOR GOD'S SAKE! Barbarian answers my prayers, using the can lid a few times. Brute continues abusing the poor trash can. That's like 10 different hits with the damn thing. This is so bad it's giving me diarrhea. Beefcake with the child's version of ring steps, but he throws it into the crowd. This isn't No Mercy, Brute. You won't get a different weapon doing that. I've never seen fans so bored for hardcore "wrestling". I use that term loosely, since we've yet to see a wrestling move... and then the Barbarian does it to me again, taking Brute over with a suplex. It took 7-minutes, but we finally got one. Barbarian with a 2x4, and you can guess what he does with it. I didn't notice, but Barbie is wearing his Faces of Fear tights. Barbarian with the chain, no doubt borrowed from the One Man Gang, and he chokes Brute. WHY IS THE REFEREE YELLING AT BARBARIAN!? Brute goes low, then connects with an inverted atomic drop, and returns the headbutt to the groin, except he can't even do that right. How did this guy get over, again? Brute with some shots with the 2x4, followed by the worst "choke with the boot" spot ever performed. Irish whip and Brute with the shittiest Stunner you will ever see for a two count. Beefcake continues ripping off everyone elses moveset, planting Barbarian with a DDT for another two count. Then the piledriver, and that looked pretty crappy, too. Beefcake to the second rope, but Barbarian kicks a trash can lid into his face. That gets a three count at 11:15. Thank God that one is over. Probably the worst Hardcore Match I have ever seen, and trust me, there's been a lot of them. Beefcake gets nailed with a flying water bottle on his way back to the ring. Kudos to whoever for that criticism.
Things start with a single leg trip from Wine, but Destiny kicks her away. You want to hear Australian crickets chirping? Watch this match. They repeat the spot, incase the crowd didn't get it the first time. Destiny avoids a few charges, takes Wine down with a drop toe hold, and takes her over with an arm drag. Destiny dramatically over-sells being rammed into the over-sized pillow called a turnbuckle pad. Seriously, those things are friggin' huge! Wine's either choking Destiny with her knee, or the potential hazardous stench coming from her tights. You make the call! Wine with a series of hair-pull snapmares, and the camera gets a gratuitous crotch shot of Destiny in the process. Whip to the corner is reversed, and Destiny barely glances Wine with a cross body for a two count. Are the fans laughing at how bad this match is, or are they all hepped up on goofballs? Wine sends Destiny over the top with a clothesline, in one of the best bumps of the night, and I dobut we'll be seeing better... (checks card) Oh wait, I forgot, Hennig will sell like a maniac for anyone. They ruin my compliment by blowing a simple thing like an Irish whip reversal. Then they blow a powerbomb spot. My GOD, do I need to keep a ticker going for each blown spot? Aussie Joe cops a feel attempting to toss Destiny back in the ring, but THAT CAN'T BE DONE RIGHT EITHER! This show as no soul. Back in the ring, and Wine has a hard time selling being thrown by the hair. Destiny with a side headlock, then a horribly contrived and sloppy head scissors for a two count. At least their reversal sequence looks better than what Torrie Wilson and Stacy Keibler tried to do in all of their "matches." Sugar Daddy trips up Destiny, allowing Wine to put the boots to her. TAKE IT OFF! Aussie Joe comes in the ring as we see THE SAME UGLY ASS FUCKING AUSTRALIAN VERSION OF BRUCE PRICHARD FOR THE 50TH FUCKING TIME IN THE SHOW! The men get in the ring and goof around, but Aussie Joe lays him out with a horrible worked punch. I'd rather watch Fred fucking Ottman wrestle instead of these two at this point. Irish whip, and Destiny with a release German suplex for a two count. Destiny to the top, but she gets slammed off and lands on her elbow. Ouch. That looked like it might've actually hurt. Destiny crotches Wine on the top turnnbuckle and kills her with... what the fuck was that? They were going for a super-plex, but neither seemed to know what to do, and it turned into a botched DDT instead. Ugly. Match is mercifully over at 10:27. Worst women's match I've ever seen. No contest. I have never seen anything worse. Even Snooki at WrestleMania 27 looked more competant in the ring, and she did all of three things! This show, is honest to God, WORSE than Heroes of Wrestling. There's been three matches, and all would be in the negatives scale if I was using star ratings anymore. This is shit, and you know what? We're not done yet. We've still got TWO MORE MATCHES!
Gang attacks before the bell and pounds away. Irish whip, and Gang with a clothesline for a two count. Tatanka fights back, stomping a new one for the Gang, then unloading with chops, complete with ridiculous over-sell. Gang has enough of that and rolls out of the ring for a breather. The Gang takes time to cut another promo. The Gang gets pelted with a bunch of water bottles, because recycling is looked down upon in Australia, I guess. Where's the Count-Out, by the way? After about two minutes of stalling, the OMG works the arm. Tatanka counters a wristlock and chops away. Tatanka drops a series of legs across the arm, then they manage to blow a cross body spot. COME ON! FOR FUCK'S SAKE. Irish whip, and the Gang actually does a better job of doing it than the guy who does it every fucking match he's ever had. Gang with a headlock and shoulder block. Tatanka with a drop toe hold, and now it's time to work the leg, totally ignoring all the work done on the arm. It's not like the Gang is still selling the arm, anyway. They exchange blows until Tatanka takes Gang over with a sunset flip for a two count. Why is it illegal to hold the ropes to block being taken over, but grabbing the ropes is okay to break a submission hold? Tatanka misses an elbow drop, and I guess it's time for the Gang to take control. He drops a knee across the chest then... very... slowly... pounds on Tatanka before slapping on a nerve hold. Tatanka with elbows, but the Gang cuts him off with a blow across the back, then crushes him in the corner. Gang comically charges in, but misses, of course. Tatanka with chops for a two count. Both men are sucking some major wind, by the way. Tatanka calls a spot, sends Gang to the corner, then runs into a boot. Gang with a leg drop, as the match continues to move in slow motion. Tatanka does his version of a Hulk Up and chops some more, since that's all he knows how to do, I guess. Tatanka rams Gang into the giant pillow of death. Little tip: breath through your NOSE. We get a stupid ref' bump, and the Gang lays out Tatanka. He then takes about a minute to climb the top rope, allowing Tatanka ample time to recover and slam him off. Jeez, who didn't see that coming. Tatanka to the top now, and he comes off with a chop to the head... but the referee is out. Still. Tatanka wakes him up, allowing the Gang to slip on a pair of "brass" knuckles (more like duct tape balled up), and KO Tatanka. That gets the three count and championship at 17:16. How in the holy fucking hell was this match allowed to go for that long? It was slow, dull, and utterly pointless. On the plus side, it wasn't terribly offensive, other than the pre-match promo from the Gang. The sad thing is that this has been the best match on the show so far! At a whopping "DUD" rating, if you must have an official talley for such a thing.
Rodman with a sledge before the bell, then nails Hennig with the belt, complete with the usual Hennig over-sell. Hennig has bladed 20-seconds into a match! Rodman lays Hennig out with a pretty stiff looking right. Irish whip, and Hennig dumps himself over the top rope, then gets rammed into the ringside table. I think I just caught Hennig call a spot, but I can't honestly say I was paying full attention. Hennig uses left-over props from the classic Brute Force/Barbarian match, and throws Rodman into the table. Hennig with a chop, and Rodman sells that better than most everyone else on the show. That's just sad. Hennig continues abusing the crappy table, which ends up breaking after Rodman is simply rammed onto it. Not THROWN through it, rammed onto it. Hennig with the ring bell, and he blasts Rodman across the head with it. No sound effect dubbed in? Rodman comes back by ramming Hennig into the ring post. Hennig takes more skin off the chest of Rodman, then finally takes it back into the ring. Hennig stomps away and goes low, cause we haven't seen enough ball shots on this card. Hennig slaps on a chinlock, then turns it into an armbar and bitch slaps Rodman, making me smile for once. Rodman goes low (what a surprise) and bitch slaps Hennig out of the ring, again. Rodman with a garbage can, but Hennig barely sells it (WHAT?!?!?) and lays him out with a shot to the throat. Is this match over yet? Hennig continues to control, using minimal effort. Thanks for ruining my hopes! Hennig chops away on Rodman in the ring, until Rodman randomly headbutts the referee, then lays out Hennig. Irish whip, and Rodman with a back elbow, followed by a jumping elbow drop. Hennig's not selling that either, and does more punchy-kicky. The referee gets thrown into the ropes, and he can't do that right. Then he calls for the bell at 8:48, because a No Disqualification match ENDS IN A FUCKING DISQUALIFICATION! Rodman hammers away on Hennig post-match, until Hennig goes low, yet again. Hennig then NAILS the referee with the stiffest bitch slap of the night, and KO's some random black dude hanging around ringisde, just for the hell of it. A sign in the crowd reads "Hennig is Perfect." LAWSUIT! The "action" spills into the aisle, and now Aussie Joe and Brute Force break it up... oh my God. Ed Leslie is wearing all white zebra print shirt and pants. That might be the most ridiculous outfit EVER worn. Match sucked, of course, and we got the most nonsensical finish possible. A disqualification in a No Disqualification match. I know I said that already. but read that and try to make sense of it. Was Dennis Rodman's wrestling career so important they couldn't make him job?!
Final Thoughts: What a terrible show. I can't honestly say one good thing about it, other than that it ended, and yes, I totally ripped off a Muppets Show joke for that one. You name it, it sucked. Here's the run-down... matches filled with washed-up has beens, moving in super slow motion and performing with so little enthusiasm for "the sport they love", just for the sake of collecting a payday, embarassing themselves and tarnishing their legacies, if any, further than already have. If that wasn't the case, then it's two barely in shape women blowing every single thing they attempted, putting on the most horrendous women's match I've ever seen between what I'm assuming was two trained professionals. Then, the main event... wow. WOW. Not only was it just a bad match, but the mind-boggling stupid finish to protect a retired basketball player in a match that clearly could've had an easy out for a job. This was two hours of the most painfully strung together wrestling I've ever seen. Fuck Heroes of Wrestling, at least that show had a FEW watchable matches. That was better than this, even with Jake Roberts drunk off his ass, ruining the show in the process. This one had nothing. NOTHING! I don't care if I said one match wasn't awful, it didn't make it good. If I had to describe this show with one sentence, it would be a giant fucking turd, swirling around in my toilet. And yes, it would be going in a clockwise rotation, of course, in loving tribute of this piece of crap from down under.