Scrooge’s "10 Movies I’m Most Embarrassed of Owning on DVD"
by Scrooge McSuck
We all know the excuses. It was cheap, I wasn’t thinking straight, I did it on a dare. Whatever the case may be, we all have been victims of purchasing DVD’s of horrible movies. Movies so horrific that you question sometimes, whether or not the people behind the making of these flicks were on mind altering drugs. Some of them are horror movies, some of them are pathetic excuses for comedy, and some have brain washed people into thinking they are the greatest thing since sliced bread. The following is my personal list of 10 DVD’s I probably wouldn’t admit to owning to real people in a public place.
10. Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise
One of many examples of trying to cash in on a successful flick that probably had no right being as successful as it was. The first Nerds movie had classic moments of adult content. Nerds II is trimmed down to a PG-13 rating, so everything great about the original is neutered. Most of the original cast returns, although they try slipping a few character swaps past our eyes, with little success. The movie never really goes anywhere. The first twenty minutes is just stuff happening, the next twenty is more stuff, then the plot finally comes into play more than half-way through the movie, and even then, it’s a disappointing attempt at trying to make something out of nothing. The ending with the initiation of Ogre into their Nerd fraternity seems weak.
>>Get it, embarrassment-free!
9. Scary Movie 3
I’ll admit, the first Scary Movie, for what it was, was entertaining. The second had it’s moments, but it was already getting old. Now here’s Scary Movie 3. I still have no idea what the hell the point of most of the movie was. I think I saw Charlie Sheen piss on his career even more, and a corpse getting it’s ass whooped in church, but that’s it. I think the main “mockery” was on the Ring, or something, but I don’t care enough to sit through this stink-fest again. Most of the main actors… well, a few of them, return from the graves or the unemployment line, but who really cares about them, anyway? It’s a Wayans Film Series. You know, those guys responsible for White Chicks and Little Man.
>>Get it, embarrassment-free!
8. RoboCop 3
Another sequel, another “third.” I was never a big fan of the RoboCop series. The first was alright, but way too cartoony for what they were going for, and a bit too graphic for my taste. Things toned down for the second, which sucked, but it wasn’t mind numbingly stupid bad like RoboCop 3. I don’t even remember the plot of this one. I think some evil people take over the city or something. I think a child is involved, too. And I think RoboCop’s partner gets killed. Maybe. I don’t know, this movie blew.
>>Get it, embarrassment-free!
7. Return of the Living Dead Part II
Much like Scream, the original ROTLD poked a little fun at the zombie movie genre, with helpful tidbits on how to destroy zombies, as if we should all know. That movie was a pure golden “80’s Horror Movie”, with bad acting, horrible wardrobes, nudity, and a killer soundtrack. ROTLD only had the first one, and seemed more like a comedy than a serious horror movie. The lead character is an 11 year old kid, and two people that turned into zombies and died in the first ROTLD are back as different characters here, but they make little “insider” jokes that should remind everyone we’ve seen them before. I thought this was a fun movie watching it the first time, but I barely made it half-way through a few months ago and couldn’t stand anymore.
>>Get it, embarrassment-free!
6. Police Academy: Mission to Moscow
The Police Academy series, for the most part, was nothing but bad movies. Assignment Miami Beach was bad, but had it’s moments. City Under Siege had even less moments. This, however, just flat out blew. Most of the original cast is gone, save for a handful of the secondary characters. The jokes bomb, and the whole concept of buffoon cops saving the city just got beat into the ground too much. I’ve only seen this movie once, on TNT, back in the day. The DVD has yet to see the light of day inside my DVD players. Anyone want to buy it? It’ll only cost you $1.99, plus shipping and handling. If you’re not satisfied, you’ll get a full refund, minus shipping and handling.
>>Get it, embarrassment-free!
5. Dr. Seuss’ How The Grinch Stole Christmas
I don’t know how they did it, but the writers of this movie took a classic book and turned I into a lot of nonsensical bullshit. A Whobilation? The Chair of Cheer? The Grinch is mad at Christmas because he couldn’t shave properly? What the hell fuck is wrong with this picture? Just fast forward to about an hour into the movie if you want anything to do with the book. Hell, better yet, just watch the old cartoon when it airs during the month of Christmas. It’s a hell of a lot more entertaining than this mess. I would like to mention that Jim Carrey has his moments in the movie, but it’s nothing you haven’t seen before. Except this time he’s dressed up as a green monster who lives deep inside a mountain on top of Whoville.
>>Get it, embarrassment-free!
4. Dirty Dancing
Yes, it was technically a “good” movie, but come the fuck on. This is such a chick flick, it’s not even funny. I might as well have bought Ghost in the process. Although I’m embarrassed as fuck to have this DVD in my collection, at least the 2-Disc Ultimate Special Edition is loaded with extra features. Too bad all of the features make me feel even more ashamed of having it, because this set was obviously designed towards a female market. For those who want to know what the movie is about, incase you haven’t seen it before, too bad. I’m not going to make even more of an ass of myself by explaining everything about this movie.
>>Get it, embarrassment-free!
3. Titanic
Nothing haunts me more than that stupid Celine Dion song. Let’s see… let’s take a tragic incident, create a bunch of fictional characters that had nothing to do with the Titanic, and make the movie THREE HOURS LONG when we already know the end, the fucking boat sinks. Big fucking surprise! While everyone brags about all the awards it won, none of them were for acting, because most of the performances in this suck-ass movie are too over-the-top or just not right for the situation. If I’m about to die in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, I think I’d panic a little bit more than most of the lead actors did. When the only redeemable scene to me is Kate Winslet nude, your movie has problems. It wasn’t even that great of a scene! I spent $5 on this DVD, and may have watched it once, and not straight through, either.
>>Get it, embarrassment-free!
2. D2: The Mighty Ducks
Another in the tired and true formulas for children’s sports movies. The plucky underdog team made of bad players and 1 great player overcomes the odds of a far superior team in a championship game. In this case, it’s absolutely absurd. First, why in the hell are the “Junior Good Will Games” being held at the Los Angeles Coliseum? Is there that many people in the WORLD that care about a bunch of 12 year olds playing hockey? Especially when one team is from TRINIDAD?! Who the hell plays ice hockey in Trinidad?! AND WHY THE HELL IS ICELAND BETTER THAN CANADA AND RUSSIA?! I’m sorry, but everything about this movie makes no sense, especially the sudden change of uniforms at the end to the Mighty Ducks of Anahiem uniforms, a total shameless way to sell merchandise. I can go on forever about how stupid this movie was, but I have bigger fish to fry.
>>Get it, embarrassment-free!
1. Jaws: The Revenge
Come on, everyone had to see this one coming. Jaws the Revenge is by far the most idiotic, retarded, senseless, pointless, lamest piece of shit ever produced with a serious budget. Nothing about this movie is worth a damn, other than for unintentional comedy. The special effects are beyond laughable, to the point I think I could create something better with LEGO’s. The plot spits in the face of logic as often as it gets. For a “horror movie” (yes, the Jaws series became horror movies when it became a wanna-be slasher flick in Jaws 2), there’s only a handful of death scenes, and even then, you don’t know who really dies. There’s so many alternate versions to the ending, you might as well have produced and directed this movie yourself, because there’s no definitive “ending” scene. It’s just different considering what network is broadcasting it on any given day. Even though this film runs roughly 87 minutes, none of it is more worthy than a “good” scene here and there. It’s tedious, boring, and has nowhere to go because they blow their wad with the shark in the first five minutes, and paint themselves in the corner with a retarded storyline about a SHARK seeking revenge on a family, then following them from Massachusetts to the Bahamas… Fuck it, I can go on and on about this movie. It’s just that bad.
>>Get it, embarrassment-free!
Final Thoughts: Well, typing up this mini column was easier than having to sit through these ten movies again. Only those with serious mental conditions could suffer through these and not feel any different, other than maybe more suicide attempts than before, and with better success rates. It’s obvious that most of these movies are sequels, and sequels are generally bad anyway, but most of these movies just make me want to puke up my cream of wheat. With that, I sign off. Maybe I’ll do a better column next time, or nothing ever again. Until then…
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